Salma Hayek Stole My Body

i'm still alliiiiiive

2009-09-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

so i know. it's been MONTHS. it's been BUSY and i'm sorry for that. i was just sitting here on a thursday night thinking about my last class, which graduated in july. i had the TOP FIVE students of ALL the graduating classes, thank you, thank you.

i was going to tell you a story here, but i dont think i'd better, considering my students could find this and it's about one of them.

suffice it to say- my life has been hectic. june was taken up with a wedding, which went very well for the bride and groom and was utterly disappointing to me, personally. i had asked someone i know here to go with me, in the hopes of simply being social with him. you all know me- it's not like i was asking to have babies or anything. i just wanted to get to know him outside of the relationship we had had previously. he said yes and then proceeded to NOT talk to me. nice, very nice. i was angry, yes, but mostly shocked because i truly havent ever been treated so poorly, so publicly before. we're friendly now and that's okay with me. i certainly had a crush, but it was gone PROMPTLY that night!

then, we had finals, and graduation, which went very well. i spent 2 weeks going over every little detail of the finals and internship to make sure all work was done. it was grueling and i honestly spent pretty much every waking moment on it for 2 weeks straight. i was a wreck by the time classes ended.
the graduation was amazing, though, and i was so very proud of my students. they were a complete joy to come into every day and i was sorry to see that relationship end.

i was home for most of august and i have to say, i loved ALL of it. i reconnected with many of you and made a really great connection with an old family friend. it was unbelievably difficult to come back to barbados, which has felt like home for a long enough period of time that i was shocked.

i'm trying to realize my place in the world at the moment and will definitely have an update sooner than a couple of months.

i am feeling loved and filled with love lately, in a way not known or understood before, and it goes out to all of you. thank you so much for being patient with me and for continuing to call and stay connected!

it's gone

2009-05-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

well. it's happened. i'm now less iowan than i was yesterday.

so, bajans do this HILARIOUS thing (well, hilarious to us americans, anyway. not hilarious to the bajans who look at us strangely when we laugh). they don't like the rain. i've commented on this before on this blog and i can't stress to you ENOUGH how much they really don't care for the rain. there's some strange idea here that they will catch a cold if they're out in it. they also believe this to be true of air conditioning. i have tried to reason with friends here that i have, in fact, been out in the rain A LOT and in air conditioning A LOT and never have i gotten sick specifically and directly in relation to either. they don't believe me. they are adamant. and you know, maybe they're right. they have lived HERE their whole lives, for the most part. maybe they DO get sick because let's face it- it's typically HOT here. . . i dont know. i still think it's hilarious and i generally, nowadays (you heard it here first, i used "nowadays"), i quietly chuckle to myself when i hear this argument.
on rainy days, this is what happens: there aren't as many people on the roads (bonus for driving). my students show up at least 30 minutes later than their usual 15-20 minutes they are late anyway. . . well, some of them anyway. you see ALL sorts of people leaning against bus stops, under arches- anywhere they dont get in the rain. the buses are typically LESS full than normal because who wants to go out to WORK and catch a cold? and really- good logic in that, as if they catch a cold, they won't be in to work AT ALL, so why not be late? and the BEST- all the people at the grocery store stay right at the doors leading out, put their groceries down and watch the rain until it abates enough or lets up completely. usually, you can find a nice-sized crowd at the grocery store doors on rainy days, unless they've come prepared with umbrellas. you can't IMAGINE how much bajans love umbrellas.
i've been noticing for the last 6 months or so- i'm starting not to like the rain either. this is mostly because i saw how horrifying rain can be back in the fall and now, i'm just a little skittish when i'm out IN it. i tend now to think that the flash flood IS COMING, no matter how hard it's raining. it's just a matter of time.
i'm more apt to take my time when it's raining, knowing my students are taking their time, too. i usually just want to stay in bed now.
but today? guess where one could have found me at 930 this morning? that's right. standing in the doors of the super centre in holetown, bags at my feet, watching the rain. . . and then looking longingly at my car, which was parked not 10 feet away. and my justification for this behavior?- i had to put the groceries in the BACK of the car, thus having to open TWO doors, which would get me MORE wet than if i just got IN. plus, i had locked the car, so there was that 2 seconds of rain falling on me that i wanted to avoid. i told myself i would go as soon as it "let up" enough to make a dash. i told myself this through 2 cycles of the rain letting up. i just didnt want to go OUT in it. so i relaxed. i didn't have anywhere to be. today was saturday. who needs me at 930 in the morning?
all the bajans looked at me. i looked at them. and then we all went back to staring at the rain.

robert lancaster is a GOON

2009-04-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

i left out ROB on my list of people i loved up on while at home. . . and for that, i might need to be spanked. . . uh, wait. never mind.

suffice it to say- rob made me carrot cake that could be the father to my babies. . . if it was, you know, HUMAN. . . and gave me some great hugs, good laughs and very, very serious cake-lovin'.

you GOON.

i went home and then came back home

2009-04-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

well, it's official. barbados now feels more like "HOME" than iowa. and that's the truth. i went home, saw my people, loved up on my mom, chad, jay, mateo. saw tony m and greg. forgot to call tiffany and mark, for which i am truly sorry.

and through all of it, kept wondering why i was there and what was going on at HOME.

so i'm done being discombobulated by it and am accepting and moving onwards. i don't say iowa won't feel like home again at some other point, just not now.

i'm SO happy to be back here. and so happy to see my people here. and to see my marcia peterman.

travel messes me up completely so it's tuesday, i got back saturday and i'm just now feeling right again.

more later, i promise!

last night

2009-03-23T07:36:00.001-07:00

how i felt last night, have been feeling. . . my heart pulled in many directions, my mind stretched and reaching for many ideas. it's not a bad feeling, but it gets lonely, i feel.

displacement
these days,
the sky is not the same.
and still. i am.
they say-home is where the heart is.
and still. mine is unfettered, unbound.
undone.
and home feels a million places away.
these ears are accustomed to the silence of snow,
these eyes begin with solid. black. earth.
everyday, in every way,
i miss it. you. them.
and still. i do not.
to be torn between lives,
push-pulled and buffeted
by sea,
the wind,
the sun-
this language of nature i recognize,
but whose dialect is not the same.
these days, the green i knew and the green i see are not the same.
and still. my heart is.
i could explain all of this to you,
give it word. and depth.
and still. it isn't the same.
to be tugged, at war with your heart,
your word,
your language.
please understand- i already felt displaced,
got homesick at home.
so. if my eyes look bruised today,
please settle the loving language of stars down around these shoulders
and embrace the weary heart
who has not yet found a home.

homesick

2009-02-04T17:42:00.000-08:00

eh. i dont know. i'm homesick and vaguely startled/disturbed by interpersonal relationships. here's the THING, guys. (and i'm hoping even ONE of you have this same worry)- the more out in the world i am, the more exposed and weird i feel. it's sort of a strange thing for me, as i truly believe in living an open life, but being here makes that almost impossible. for one thing, NO ONE asks about my life back home, AND for another- my life back home doesnt actually make sense to the people here and, in some cases, is offensive (see also homophobia- not so much in regards to me, but to most of my friends and, indeed, my father). but it's SO damn hard to make friends here- partly because everyone here has a LIFE already, which is fine, but getting INTO someone's life is difficult. i'm aware that this happens everywhere and it's not just a problem related to here, but still- it makes for difficult days, like today. partly, it's difficult, too, because i think i'm actually rather guarded, and the people here are as well. i think THEY are guarded (after having this conversation with marcia and then sherrie-ann) because: 1) it's a small country and why put your business out for people to hear when it could easily get BACK to people you dont want to hear?, and 2) because evidently, everyone is rather "cut-throat" here in their need to get a leg up. so couple that with my inherent, private nature and need for deeper relationships and you get ME, homesick and troubled.
i'm also troubled because i dont think i make very good attachments to people. am i, in fact, just distracting myself with trying to make friendships, etc, here? could i leave tomorrow and never talk to anyone from here again and be fine? i was worried about this leaving cedar rapids too, actually.
i dont know, marcia peterman says i'm a big worrier and to some extent, she's probably right, though "worrier" implies, to me anyway, someone who's CONSTANTLY worrying about every little thing, and i really, truly DONT do that. i am concerned about many things, i think about inevitable catastrophic events, i tend to see things going poorly as opposed to WELL. . . okay, i'm a worrier. my name is anne and i'm a worrier.
i just dont want to be UNAWARE.
bleh. what i truly feel like today is going home, back to my comfort zone, not making a complete FOOL of myself with people, and taking a nap.

ginormity of spider

2009-02-02T08:42:00.000-08:00

yeah, this is IT, plus marcia's foot for perspective, PLUS my face to all who did not believe. . .

spiders

2009-01-28T17:25:00.000-08:00

let's talk bugs, shall we? more specifically, let's talk about the gargantuan spider i killed IN MY HOME last night.
even now, i write this from what i will forever think of as the "contaminated zone", spray can of Raid by my elbow.
i got home last night from working a 14-hour day and sat at my computer, tiredly, doggedly, not thinking. just sitting. i'm catching up on emails, trying to figure out how to speak to new people via IM (a whole OTHER blog post, i'm sure), generally feeling a state of confusion, semi-calm (as in "i-can't-do-shit-about-it-so-i'll-leave-it-be), and exhaustion, when i notice something MOVE by my arm. . . by my COMPUTER. . . where I SIT. . . DAILY. i didnt think, i reacted, as we are all wont to do in situations such as these. i screamed, i jumped up and ran out of my apartment yelling "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"
thankfully, marcia was just getting home from HER very long day and could be a witness to a 35-year-old woman lose her mind. i had SEEN what was crawling by my computer. where i SIT. DAILY. it looked to be a tarantula. i'm not kidding. it was HUGE. the biggest spider i'd seen in person.
and in running out of my apartment, screaming, i had LOST it IN my apartment. marcia, god bless her, came in to keep me company, but i was so preoccupied by the losing of the spider, i couldnt talk to her, PLUS i wanted her to witness this thing. i could BELIEVE it. just COULDNT. she left and i sporadically sprayed Raid anywhere i thought it MIGHT have gone, which means i Raided the SHIT out of all my computer wires and was thinking very carefully about spraying UNDER the computer, when i saw it AGAIN. it had migrated to just under my stove. . . and gone through my invisible barrier of Raid, if it's lurch was any indication.
i immediately started yelling at it "ahhhh HAAAAA! THERE you are! you thought you could run, but you CAN'T because i'm the QUEEN of raid! i KNEW i wouldnt lose you!" (really, this is what i do when i get nervous- i talk, ramble, make no sense to myself or anyone else).

the spider, of course, came AT me.

i ran again, Raid in hand, shoes on, doorway beckoning.

and then i saw it go towards my bedroom and i KNEW. i had to kill it immediately.

i wasnt going to sleep anyway, not if i lost that damn thing in my apartment. there is NO WAY i would have slept. and to have it going towards my BEDroom?!! are you KIDDING ME?!! i followed it, spraying Raid at it every step of the way, and holding the HUGE book at the ready. i shit-talked it too, saying things like "you can't get away! you're nothing! you'll never make it past the threshold to my room, cuz you're ugly and i dont LIKE you!" (yeah, i'm pretty mean, huh?). and then i slammed the book on it. thank GOD i didnt hear it crunch. i would have been done in.

i immediately hopped ONTO the book and sprayed Raid aaaaaaaaallllll the way around it.

i left it there for over an hour. i just went in every once in a while and looked at the book. i couldnt go near it, but i got worried it had SURVIVED, so i finally lifted the book and ran screaming again from the carcass.

then i took pictures. (i'll post them soon). it's gruesome, to say the least- like the true crime photos.

here's the thing, guys. it's been a year and i have the occasional millipede in my home and once, a cockroach and that's it. and i thought there WEREN'T any huge spiders here. and now the rose-tinted glasses are OFF. i know they are out there, ready to attack me, even while at my "safe place". . . .

you can BET i'll never type at this computer again easily. not in this spot.

pickup lines?

2009-01-17T21:50:00.000-08:00

so here's the latest "line" i've heard while down here. . .

upon hearing it was my birthday and commenting on my general appearance in a dress (yes, the word "lusssscious" was thrown out in a particularly suggestive manner), i was informed "i wanna cut your cake."

seriously, guys. i am thinking i could write a book based solely on the pickup lines of bajan men. AND HONESTLY?- every. single. time- i have to laugh (either to myself or just out loud) and wonder "does this really WORK?!"

i would be pleased by the general confidence, except i pretty much get the impression that most men here will basically, at least, TRY- because i have boobs. because i laughed and caught their attention, you name it. i had one man FOLLOW me in the grocery store because i had a LIST in my hand and i "looked efficient" and "won't it be great when we know each other years from now?". and really- good for them for trying, i guess. too bad for them that i AM actually not very interested in someone who 1) sees me and decides to try for sex without even a "hey, what's your name?" or any OTHER pertinent, why-don't-we-get-to-know-each-other-and-thereby-have-better-sex-type questions OR 2) has lumped me in with any other number of women he's tried to pick up on any given day.

is it wrong, really, to expect that someone will think you're actually SPECIAL? my friend here, margaret, tells me i'm not approachable, that i carry myself too proudly. . . what the HELL?! in response to this, i replied, "well, i'm proud to be me." and quite frankly, i figure if i'm not approachable, then wouldnt it stand to reason that the man who DID approach me (with a reasonable offer, thank you) would be someone who i might take notice of?- someone "worth it"?

eh. i didnt mean to write about this, actually. just laughing at the newest pickup line, still.

chad is coming here for 2 weeks in february and we're both hoping we won't kill each other or go insane. . . i think we'll be fine.
jack, mom and linnea are coming for a week in march.

that's about it, so far this 35th year. took TWO naps today. . . went to dinner with marcia and john. did some laundry. figured out the kindle, finally.

all's well here. . . and my cake? well, not CUT, thank you very much.

sexy nougat

2009-01-15T17:57:00.000-08:00

so here's the question for the day: should i, in FACT, change my email account name to sexynougat@blahblahblah.com? laura is going to go with sexyswiz@blahblahblah.com OR caramelswizzle@blahblahblah.com. . . .

ALSO- *does that one happy dance-- pointing to the sky, shaking hips* IT'S MY BIRFDAY! hey sho'ty, it's mah BIRFDAY. . . oh my god. i did that. . . just shoot this one, i'm getting OLD.

i'll be 35 tomorrow and, as i told my friend, sherrie-ann- i still feel like the kid who, when asked "how many are you?!" by high-pitched moms and dads, holds up 5 fingers and says "TWO!". . . .

here's the thing: i keep thinking everyone else knows what is going on and, i'm not gonna lie, i get a little intimidated by it, which is weird for me- not typically worried about everyone else. BUT- i can't read minds and I WISH I COULD, just so i'd hear/see/feel how everyone else is doing up in their heads and in their hearts. . . because PEOPLE- i'm not anywhere NEAR close to knowing WHAT IS GOING ON.

have spent the majority of my day with a constant thought process in the back of my head about how in the HELL we all get together. i'm not so sure i'm cut out for knowing pretty much ANYone else and you guys who have known me for like, what?- all of you- 5-10-over 20 years?- you might as well just throw in the towel. . . i might be a lost cause on intimacy.

oy. i'm overly tired, kids. will try for mocha babies later. . . right now, i must go prepare for 35th birthday. . . i wish i had cake WITH FROSTING.

and yes, linnea, there is cake in bajia.

chris laughing

2009-01-13T17:25:00.000-08:00

i did this. it's chris hemmingsen in one of my all-time, absolute favorite photos. i'm actually in the photo as well- he's holding onto me from the side as i looked at the camera and he threw his head back and just belly-laughed. it's the first image i have of me with someone else that i felt completely and utterly accepted for being me. . . i am IN LOVE with this drawing tonight!

silence and social

2009-01-10T20:17:00.000-08:00

i'm finally feeling like myself again. i got back home to barbados on sunday at around 5 PM and went immediately out for dinner and then to bed, up the next morning at 6 AM and worked the week through. i desparately needed time to MYSELF, to the detriment of my social life with wok friends here, unfortunately. i wish i could explain to everyone just HOW necessary it is for me to have this kind of time- i know that there are a lot of people out there who dont need it and i try to be cognizant of that and go along with it- ESPECIALLY when i know it's how some people feel cared for (see also kathy rockel and her "love languages"!). but i wish i could truly get across that i am absolutely NO good unless i de-stimulate. i get over stimulated with too much going on- i need absolute silence and my own company, just to THINK. it's difficult when i actually LIKE hanging with people and being social, but i've finally learned about my adult self how to balance these things out. the scale, for me, is tipped in favor of quiet and alone time, interspersed with those social times when i'm "ON"- i can carry a party for a night, but it's tiring and requires about a week of quiet after.

i'm home guys, and thankful for it. have cleaned, unpacked, floated, and am going to spend my day working tomorrow, which sounds FANTASTIC. i have enough to eat and some moments to look foward to in the near future (see also friends getting stuff i brought back for them, oistins for my birthday with the girls, john gordon in barbados and marcia smiling like a goon).

life is good. i'm back in my right mind and am happy to be here!

what am i DOING?!

2008-12-26T22:05:00.000-08:00

am not particularly pensive or chatty this evening, but find myself at midnight with absolutely nothing to do and completely, utterly awake. have caught up on my email writing, have shopped a ton, seen jay, chad, alain, and regina today- generally, a busy day. and now? - am feeling like i SHOULD be doing something else.
i could be initializing the kindle book mom got me from crimma, but truth be told, i'm SCARED of it. i'm fairly certain it will be difficult and frustrating and i wont know half of what i COULD do with it and like a year from now, someone will see me with it and be like "oh, didnt you know? you can have BABIES with this thing- you just need to push this combo of buttons" and i'll be like "well aint that a bitch. i didnt know, i really, really didnt." hrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhh- will wait until tomorrow.
matt, kirstin and jack come into cedar rapids tomorrow night and i really cant wait to see them. it's been over a year, i think, and since moving to barbados, matt has been really cool and called me regularly- weird how some family members feel closer the farther away you get. . . . .
being "home" has been strange, i'm not gonna lie. it's been difficult this time, as i think i've changed a lot, and friends have changed a lot, and yet- the friendships feel somewhat stale, like the relationships themselves dont quite know how to change yet. i know for sure i wont be back next christmas unless i fly into atlanta and drive my ass home from there. i will NOT go to more than one airport the weekend before christmas EVER again. it's rent a car or christmas in barbados. i wouldnt be opposed to christmas in barbados, no doubt. it'd definitely be interesting.
it feels like barbados is home now, so this is all kinda confusing for me. i really love iowa- i dont think i'll ever get out of that, but at this point in my life, i dont know that i'll be back to live in iowa anytime soon. i dont even know what i would DO here if i were to come back. i know i'll be in barbados for the foreseeable future, barring any sort of "anne-got-voted-off-the-island-scenario" with work.
we'll see. just thinking "out loud" on here. nothing even particularly funny. just slightly dazed up in hrrrr, and somewhat confused by this whole turn of events.

here's why i love my crazy sister:

2008-12-15T16:34:00.000-08:00

"I am totally looking forward to hanging out with Grand Masta Funk herself, Anne Dugga" - lifted DIRECTLY from linnea's latest blog entry. her penchant for naming people always leaves me laughing. . . there's a man here she's decided to call "D.J. Supa' Dupa' K", which has me in stitches when she chooses to pull it out.

another great quote from linnea, which had marcia and i wondering a few different things: (and you have to sing this)

"immaculate conception, doesn't hurt as muuuuuuuuch"

marcia and i wondered in what context it didnt hurt as much- the sex as a virgin? the actual having OF god's baby, as a virgin? we spent probably more time on this than we needed to, but linnea informs me - her feeling is that if you're a virgin and GOD comes to you and says, "i'm going to impregnate you"- it wouldnt hurt as much as a regular guy with a regular virgin, as you know- it's GOD.

the woman makes me laugh- what can i say?

WERD- grand master funk, anne dugga' OUT.

big n' chunky

2008-12-14T17:31:00.000-08:00

I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOLY CRRAAAAAAAPPPPP- i am listening to this song by will.i.am. from the madagascar 2 soundtrack- "big and chunky"- i am actually CRYING, i love this song SO much- HILARIOUS!

why, oh why am i in love with animated films? and i'm not talking about your japanime stuff- i mean i really, really love kids animated films. . . BIG AND CHUNKY!

oh my gooooooooooooooooooooooood- you HAVE GOT to go listen to that song!

that's it. it's currently 930 on sunday night and i'm laughing. . . so nothing new here.

i plan on eating turtles (the candy) when i get home, then hugging THE SHIT out of chad willer and jay diers and probably making them make out with me - some sort of weirdo, 3-way makeout session wherein i will get bored and they will both question their respective sexualities. . . YAY!

no, really- i'll be in cedar rapids this time next week, which makes me a little weepy. i'll be glad to see mama and linnea and the peeps. PLUS, brother and sister-in-law and nephew are coming for one of the weeks i'm home, all the way from arizona. i havent seen them in a year or more, which is SO COOL! i know that i will be glad to come back to barbados, which is not something i would have said even 6 months ago, but it feels like LIFE here- MY life here, and that makes me happy. BUT- 2 weeks in Cedar Rapids with friends and family and history is just THE thing for me now!

all is well otherwise. . . am getting to know some of the people here and it feels more like home because of that. part of me being comfortable here has to do with simple, stupid things like: i got to drive kathy's car a couple of weeks ago, which is EXACTLY like my family- using everyone else's car, or taking beverley and wynell home late at night and having them laugh like LOONS at me and my utter confusion as to where IN THE WORLD i was. . . it feels good. mostly, what i did was look around and "pick out" the people i want to be my friends and pretty much, as you ALL know about me- i've decided they have no choice but to love me! . . . LOL (they do, i know). as per usual, i'm ALL about intention.

k, i'm off to find entertainment for a bit. talk at you later!

the week

2008-12-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

here's what i did this week:
1. i broke something in/on my foot and had to go barefoot for the majority of my work week.
2. i joined facebook and am now an addict.
3. i watched some really, really good movies:
a. neverwas- holy CRAP, this was moving, and completely a surprise.
b. mr. magorium's wonder emporium- again, LOVED it. "your life is an occasion- rise to it."
c. batman begins - again, he's my husband and gary oldman is my lov-ahhhhh, and morgan freeman is my father of color, and michael caine is my father who is english.
d. four christmases- SO FUNNY. vince v. is hilarious, as always, and i was pleasantly surprised
by the whole movie, actually.
4. i ate WAAAAAY too much.
5. contemplated such things as:
a. marcia's firmly-held belief that when one flies to bajia, one becomes miniturized (sp) and that, in fact, bajia is actually one, HUGE continent, but really, really small. this means that 2 normally sane women can go out for a drive in said miniturized country thinking to be back within, say, an hour, and come back 3 hours later having NO IDEA what happened, as according to the map, they only went 7 kilometers. one must, of course, take into account a few things: 1. all roads are thrice as long as normal, as all roads here TWIST back on themselves at least 12 times per kilometer, leading to point #2- there are NO straight roads. 3. the speed limit here is 60 kmph, BUT the aforementioned twists do not encourage anything over 20 kmph.
b. the honey bunches of oats van has YET to come to bajia and the commercials say they are going around giving people a taste. have you seen them in YOUR town? because i think they are making it up.
c. the sex lives of bajans and come up with a fairly radical system of ideas on this that might cause a revolution were i to put them on here. . . needless to say, what you think IS, is NOT. (become one with yoda)
d. laura and i have realized that no matter what ANYone says, pimps from canada just arent that tough. here's my impression of a canadian pimp- *eeyore voice* "hey female dog! (sorry i called you that, it's part of the image)- come gimme mah money. . . cuz i need the change back from when i gave you money for those goldfish crackers the other night, 'member?! i'm the canadian pimp named frank." also. marcia explained some of the canadian politics to me- WACKADOOOOOOOO. . . though we're not much better, i know.
e. i thought the word "coalition" was automatically associated with lesbians. evidently not.

all is well in bajia, kids.
will be home sunday, december 21 until january 4. see you then!

thankful for. . .

2008-11-28T21:11:00.001-08:00

so we went around on thanksgiving and said what we were thankful for and i did a shortened version of this:

- mom and linnea and matt and kirstin and jack, who have never, ever made me feel alone.
- jay, alan, regina, laura, chad, marcia, mateo, berts, kathy k, tiffany, and chelle, who have made me laugh every single day that i've been in barbados. if i didnt have Family, i'd still have family.
- the man who sits on the wall near the Blue Monkey on Highway 1 every morning between 710-725 whose face lights up when he sees me drive by. we wave and smile every morning, and it never fails to make my day, early.
- that moment between 2 awkward people when they go to hug and they have to figure out where their arms go.
- the fact that there is at least one person, daily, who smiles when they see me.
- that there are, evidently, 7 people per day who think of you before they go to bed, and the other night, it was chelle.
- my job, which brought me here.
- kathy, glenda, paula, mike, deb, who literally (at times) have held me through some tough life changes.
- the newest of friends who will be old friends by the time i get done with them! :)
- the moment when a good pity-party weep session becomes a snotty, laughter-filled hiccup because someone you love made you laugh.
- the kitchen smells right before you sit down to eat your favorite meal.
- wynell and beverly's crazy dance moves and watching what it's like for 2 comfortable women to be completely comfortable with each other.
- the goofy smile and blush i am unable to overcome when faced with flustering circumstances and good-looking men. . . as per usual.
- the curve of lower back and side.
- the moment you get done doing something inspired and you realize you've been helped by everyone in the collective unconscious, making you connected in ways you didn't believe imaginable.
- every bad moment and heartbreak because they show me how high my love goes.
- connection, connection, connection.

be thankful. i am.

to me (poem November 2008)

2008-11-22T11:02:00.000-08:00

you look like the diplomacy of sky to me.
i'm sure,
on busy, random days you feel differently-
like
the warfare of rain, some days-
maybe those days.
but to me?
for me?
you lay yourself over green and green,
(the) brownest brown and (breathe)
blue of blue- arch over true and stretch
under black from black,
stars that miss morning.
you hold,
with the careful fingers of Father,
the smallish water of clouds
to me
you look like mornings that ask a question-
horizon queries of Why? and When?
and your calm face,
small smile,
which is not so small,
causes the split, giggly grin.
you look like THAT to me.
like the dawn i get up early to greet
with sleepy smiles and endless answers.

ooooooooo. . . bama!

2008-11-07T04:33:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to share this with y'all. I emailed it to some of you, but thought anyone else who I didn't get to might find it interesting. This is a national monument here, symbolizing the slave's freedom from oppression. It's been very, very interesting to be out of the country at this time, and certainly in a country where 90% of the populace is black. Marcia and I have been talking a lot about what it means to be living outside the US when Obama was elected. For me, it feels strange- he'll be my president, and someone I voted for, but more than likely, I won't be living in the US for most of his presidency, if any of it. I felt as though, maybe, he wouldn't ever really by MY president, but after seeing this photo, I realized that he WOULD be, as I felt such a sense of pride and ownership in our nation's choices this past week.

To see how our country, truly affects even a small nation is unbelievable. There IS a sense of pride and ownership of what we, as a people, did this week. And to see how it affects THESE people has made me very, very humble, indeed.

It seems normal to me to have elected a PERSON, black, white, male, female, or otherwise, but I'm truly realizing how strange it actually is- that our country was seen as racist and unchanging by many in the outside world. . . that's something to think about.

all in all, I just wanted to share with you guys a little of how things are seen down here and how HAPPY this country is to see Obama as president.

phone mwahhhhhhhhh. . .

2008-11-02T17:18:00.000-08:00

that scene in "when harry met sally" where he's calling her and leaving karaoke phone messages just flashed in my head. . . mostly because i want to chat about phone stuff for a sec.

i'm a strange bird. . . and yes, i know you're all nodding sagely and looking somewhat confused that i've had to REMIND you of this. STOP NODDING- i'm getting to my point!

so here's the weird thing about me- i'm actually totally happy with NOT talking on the phone and just getting either a message OR seeing someone called on caller ID. i guess what's odd about that is that this applies, for the most part, to people i'm, you know, INTERESTED in as well.
what i like about it is that sometimes (a lot of the time), i dont have much to say. and a pop-up n the caller ID or a nice message does the trick- let's me know people thought about me that day without the sometimes unnecessary jabbering about nothing.
i like it.
i'm just sayin'.

tracy chapman

2008-10-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

i'm digging on old tracy chapman this week. seriously, "for you" is AMAZING. the albums "crossroads" and "tracy chapman" are WELL worth the listen. just had that thought i needed to share.

rain, rain, rain

2008-10-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

well crap-a-minute, linnea wrote a whole post about her top 10 favorite movies and tv shows and i TOTALLY want to do that, but can't think of even ONE of each. . . i suck right now. will have to make lists and come back to you on this one. i don't even really know WHY she did it, but maybe i'll start on my lists too. . . cuz i'm a copy-cat and that's no lie.

as for me? strange things happen here, no doubt. i've had some pretty bizarre moments in the past weeks and most of them i'm more than likely NOT going to talk about here. HOWEVER- i did have an adventure on tuesday involving an ENORMOUS amount of water and some divine intervention, i'm sure. for the first time in what can only be described as " a coon's age", i actually prayed OUT LOUD for any suspended period of time to the universe at large.

so picture it- barbados, 2008. at 11 AM on tuesday, we were told to send the students home, the ENTIRE island was under a flood warning. it had rain torrentially since saturday (so 4 days' worth of god's anger) and showed no real signs of stopping tuesday at 11 AM. i'm not kidding- the island of barbados threw up it's hands and said "that's enough! i can hold NO MORE water" and then it proceeded to erupt, gushing water down, down, down. . . basically to every low point and flat point from top to bottom. . . and where is the school? you got it- one of the low points. we should have known not to leave, what with it raining, you know, SIDEWAYS, but glenda, marcia and i decided to chance it, thinking "we live near the top of the island (height-wise), we should be fine." between the 3 of us, we have the combined IQ of some of the great think tanks in the world, so OF COURSE we didn't think about how all the water would be coming DOWN the hills we were trying to go UP. jesus. the water around the school was up to the tops of the wheels. the water coming down the hill, at one point, i was sure would sweep us back down- it was also full of rocks that hit the wheels and made it seem as though the island was actually stoning our puny efforts to get home. we went up on curbs to get out of water, we went through some of the deepest water i could think of without stalling. . . and THEN came the pool of water on the ronald mapp highway.
now be aware- that highway is arguably up pretty high on the island. it was AFTER the big hill, it was after the standing pools of water on all the low spots, it was after the curb driving. the traffic slowed down, we were at a standstill in rain that, with every drop seemed to be saying "silly, silly girls- did you REALLY think you were getting home before drowning?". i turned to marcia, water dripping off my nose from 45 minutes before, when we ran to the car (only about 5 km away from where we were), and said "do you wonder what's up there that we've come to a standstill? i'm telling you marcia, whatever is up there isn't GOOD." at that moment, all the cars coming from "up there" on the road started having grass and leaves decorating their grilles, their underbellies, and marcia says "look anne- all those cars got through whatever is ahead of us. we'll be fine."
i saw what was ahead from my side of the car waaaaay before she did. and a tear fell from my eye. i was actually that scared. now, as you all know- i talk. i talk when i'm nervous, to be SURE. and to say i had reached a level of nervousness hereforeto unknown to me would be an understatment of gigantor proportions. marcia told me i couldnt talk this trip because it would make her nervous. so i sat there, tear running down my face (just the one- i'm very, very dramatic), with my FIST in my mouth. the only thing i said was "you can't BELIEVE what's ahead." just as the smallest car on the island went by with what i can only assume was an entire field of sugarcane decorating it's front grille.
marcia and glenda finally saw it. i hear glenda praying. marcia is just sitting there saying "oh guys, we'll be fine" with the savoir faire only the truly insane can achieve.
the road was COMPLETELY covered in a pool of water that was being fed by a very large, very angry torrent of water from the hill next to it. the water had spilled over to the drainage ditch next to it and was slowly becoming olympic-sized. i watched a TRUCK go through with the water up to what looked like the ROOF. the car in front of us had it's hazards on and as we passed it, i looked at the older bajan woman sitting there and started to laugh. this woman had literally just STOPPED her car in the middle of traffic and said "HELL NO." and was ostensibly waiting for the rain to stop.
i closed my eyes and began my litany of "please let us get through, please let us get through, please let us get through" as i heard what sounded like a waterfall hitting our car. i opened my eyes once to see the water up to the WINDOW of the car, and promptly closed them. all i could imagine at this point was the three crazy white women getting stuck in the middle of all that with no way out. there were cars on each side of the road, most of them SMART and waiting for the water to recede. not us. OH NO. we went through and the bajans waiting (like the brainiacs they ALL are) laughed their asses off, i'm sure, at me- holding my hands up to heaven and thanking whoever was up there listening. i'm sure i looked like i was speaking in tongues at church, but i have NEVER been so happy as i was on tuesday at 1215 PM.
it took us an hour and a half to go the equivalent of about 7 km.
it will more than likely take me years before i will even THINK about going out in a bad storm. already, it's rained more here and i find myself getting anxious to get home and safe before the water comes to wash me away. i've become accustomed now to staying OUT of it and never again will i view a hill and 4 days of rain the same again.

pez, magic, ACMs, and appreciation

2008-10-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

oh GOD i want a cigarette! here's what i'd really like: a combination pez/ATM machine that would allow me 2 and only 2 cigarettes per day, but only after 8 PM. the rest of the day i can handle. i would call it my PEZACM (Pez/automatic cigarette machine). the ACM part is because it gives you a limit and the pez thing because, well, it's cool and i like the motion i make with my thumb and hand when i think of or try to explain pez dispensers to bajans who have never seen nor heard of one. . . so PEZACM come to me now!

have i told you lately how okay with magic i am? just in a general sense. i'm on board for magic.

also- was thinking about thanksgiving tonight and got very, very sad. i was, of course, thinking of tgiving WELL in advance, because i like to be THOROUGH, as we all know. we'll be celebrating here in bajia, but it's still not exactly the same. i'm sure my boss, kathy, would agree on some level- family is family and it's not the same without them. of course, she's got henderson, the coolest man ever!, as her "new family", but still. . . sorry. tangent. anyway- i'll miss all of you- friends AND family, most especially in some ways, the tradition jay and regina and i came up with of watching "home for the holidays" the night before t-giving, just to start off the season with friends and food and laughs- something that was chosen by US for US, you know?

am weepy. wish i had a transporter or stargate or magic SOMEthing to pop in, give jay, chad, mateo and berts hugs and kisses and then pop back to the sea and the sun and the beautiful, beautiful men.

missing you all like the stars miss sunlight.

lalalalalalllllaaaaaaa

2008-09-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

huh. well. at a loss. i actually started this with nothing in mind to write. OH! i am happy to report that todd z. and fam are fine in texas. i was rather worried, but have heard from him and while the situation isn't the best, they're alive and kicking!
also- todd said he read my blog and enjoyed it, so i'm letting him know that made my day!
not a ton happening here- just still getting ready for classes to start on october 6, which means lesson planning and such.
i think i've also managed to quit smoking, though we'll see how that takes. i thought maybe i could be, you know, a "part-time" smoker, but realized soon enough that having a pack of cigarettes means smoking them as quickly as possible for me.
i've been drawing with my oil pastels as well, which is a new thing. i've taken some photos, but will have to do the onerous task of downloading them some other time.
i've also got an idea in mind for a writing project that, strangely enough (and here's a blast from the past), only tony m. will know what i'm talking about. one day at his place, i spent an inordinate amount of time making a strange chart on a big cardboard box, flattened so i could write on it. i started with a phrase, a word, whatever, and then just drew arrows all over it to other phrases and words that first one made me think of, and so on. i came up with some lines i eventually used, some stuff i love to this day.
my idea? i have one whole wall here not being used for anything, so i'm going to put paper on it and go to town with this. i want to stand/sit in front of it and fill it up, and THEN i want to use my oil pastels on it. we'll see where this takes me. here are a few phrases it's gotten me so far:

"apostolic tropics"
"the epistles of apostles are now our Sunday bells and whistles"
"the lions cry along longitudinal attitudes"
"the joy of latitudinal platitudes"
"on the fringes of I Wish"
"on the fingers of I Wish"

so there you go- look for these phrases and more in coming posts!

i feel pretty good here, actually. just kind of settled and accepting of life here and i'm happy with it. feels like home now, in a way. i think, if i can, i'll stay as long as i can. want to get some more money saved and i'm kinda used to the sun now. . . to the point where i'm getting weird about going out in the rain. did you know that when it rains here, pretty much everything stops? bajans don't like the rain. the traffic goes slower, people don't go to work OR go suuuuuper late. we can't figure it out, except NOW i'm starting to do that too!
hope all is well with you, my peeps! i'm off to bed and then up to work tomorrow.

funerals

2008-09-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

the black minister waves frenetically, says with spittle "jesus is forEVER AND EVER AND EVER". he gets louder with each "ever", points at the congregation, who nods assent, murmurs praise for this special message. and i'm SWEATING, wondering if my dress will actually unstick from the backs of my legs when i stand up at the next song.
this is the life i embraced 8 months ago, this is the culture - peopled by a society who wear fleece pullovers and actual, honest-to-GOD sweaters if they'll be in air conditioning for any length of time. this funeral is just another day for them. the praise is a constant, so this means a 2-hour period where their appreciation of jesus is just more vocal.
we're here, my 2 other friends and i, doing the duty of friends - we don't actually KNOW the deceased, but do know her grandson. the first and only time i've even seen her was when i walked into the church and saw her in the coffin. it was rather shocking- there she was. it strikes me now as strange that i never met her alive, that i only saw her dead. she reminded me, again, that we dont have anything but peace in death. we just dont take any of this stuff with us. so i'm lightened and feeling spiritual as i slowly MELT.
many thoughts go through my head as we go through the service, the first of which is: isn't it a shame that black people AREN'T actually made of chocolate? if they were, they'd #1 SMELL like chocolate all the time, and #2 be melting along with me, and i could feasibly reach up and swipe some chocolate syrup from the woman in front of me, which would have made my experience in the heat a TON better.
the second thought had more to do with the HUGE bee that flew into one of the numerous open windows while the preacher was preaching. the bumblebees here are like small, black birds, to the extent that i actually thought "oh cool! a hummingbird- what a good omen" (though why a hummingbird is a good omen, i dont know, as i recall thinking about them that they move JUST like large flying bugs. . . ). when i realized it was a gargantuan BEE, the likes of which i've been trying to avoid since my friends and i killed one about a month ago outside my own front door, i instantly thought "okay, so maybe i SHOULD accept jesus as my personal savior", as though that would help me from being attacked and running screaming out the side door during the preaching.
after the bee incident, which solved itself by me looking down until my friend sitting next to me told me it was gone, i began imagining, which is a favored pasttime of mine when faced with uncomfortable circumstances. i started nodding assent and making those small noises of agreement after every exultation of jesus. along with using the program as a fan, this made me handily feel like one of those movies about black people in the deep south, going to church in the heat, maybe in the 1950s? anyway- i was thoroughly enjoying my movie moment. this took me through most of the service, actually, and served to confuse my 2 friends beside me, as they know i'm not in the LEAST interested in church or a personal saviour, but then i like to stir things up.
all in all, the entire service served to remind me that in the end, we're all connected in death. no matter the belief system, color of your skin - grief and death are universals from country to country. i'm a fan of funerals, a fan of outpourings of grief. i think we're at our best and worst in those moments. i saw a grown woman sobbing in the arms of loved ones and that's how it should be every day - we should be able to emote copiously and be caught by someone else, held up and loved. so the funeral yesterday of a woman i only met in death, in a different country with a different set of social mores, was just a lovely as any i've been to at home - the poetry of grief sings to the poetry in my heart.

frogs, men, rum and beers

2008-08-27T20:28:00.000-07:00

hee hee! what have you been up to? i've been up to A LOT. i'm seriously considering hanging my hat in the front hall and calling it a good life, maybe settle down on a couch somewhere cold (ahem) and read for the rest of my life because, really, i've seen enough to last me!
so here are some highlights of the past month or so:
i learned the difference between a subject and object in a sentence AND when to use "who" or "whom", thanks to Deb, one of the other teachers here, and her English Grammar Refresher Course at the beginning of August. now, you all probably know the difference betwixt subjects and objects, who and whom, and probably are wondering why i don't, as you know, i have to TEACH it. here's a little known fact about your beloved anne- i am a hopeless idiot when it comes to rules of grammar. punctuation isn't too bad for me, but start talking about compound sentences, adverbs, adjectives, and my eyes glaze, my brain deadens. it's never made sense to me and to tell you all the big secret i've got going- i was seriously worried about teaching this stuff. however, deb showed me how to break the teaching down into manageable parts and in effect, teach MYSELF as i teach the students, so i'm excited about grammar in a way i'm normally excited about cake.
i've watched the average tempurature in barbados go from a balmy, temperate climate to what can only be described as the surface of a very humid, very WET sun. here, when it rains, (and let's be frank- it rains like god opened the sluice gates on the hoover dam), it doesnt so much cool down afterwards. it's all a big bunch of trickery, as it's cool for about 10 minutes and you think "THANK YOU GOD for the refreshing wind, the light, cooling breeze on my somewhat sopping forehead and the sweat running down my back". then, in what i can only assume is mother nature's "prankster" side- the humidity comes back like a hammer and suddenly, you wonder why you didn't just jump in the sea and DROWN yesterday, as it might have been a better, cooler drowning death than this one.
i've had friends come to visit- mateo and rob, who proved to be STELLAR guests, indulging me in my many and varied eccentricities and pointing the craziest ones out in a manner that ensured maximum laughter and minimum hurt (really, no hurt). it was a blissful week for me, actually, even though i had two men in my home when i'm used to knocking about here by myself. we laughed and laughed and laughed and i realized that NO ONE but my friends can make me laugh that way. i realized what i missed most about home- having people around me who see the same bizarre things and laugh at the same moments. it makes me sad to think about the last 8 months and always-there feeling that i was missing some vital, important part of my life, and it was this. so mateo and rob get the medal for being fantastic! we saw much of the island and they agreed that this is, indeed, backwards country and laughed with me at the craziness of the bajans. i learned that i have, indeed, come to accept life here and it's many, many delays. i have developed a patience my mother would be proud of, and it's still not as patient and calm as the bajans. i'm working on it, though!
i've been on 4 boat rides in 2 weeks as of tomorrow night- each with a different flavor than the others. i have come to realize that boating and the smell of the lady of the night flowers at night are my 2 favorite things about living here. if i could just get the captains of the boat and the other teachers to agree that LOUD, LOUD reggae music for 4 hours isn't conducive to a good time, i'd actually get to enjoy the boating even more. which leads me to this conclusion- reggae? not my fave. no problem with bob marley, but pretty much the rest of it- not so fond. i did learn today, however, that i will happily listen to reggae over country music. it just seems that here, it all has to be so loud as to drown out my own thought process, which i find vital in enjoying pretty much anything. . . and maybe that's the point- just drown out the thinking process, put your head down and get through life with a constant reggae song and no thoughts. i can't live that way and feel, much of the time, that it's thrust on me. i like quiet. i like boating. i like quiet, peaceful boating where i'm able to actually SPEAK to the people i chose to share the experience with, or who chose to share it with me.
i have survived what i am now calling "the great frog invasion of 2008" just last night. this involved yet another day of the kind of rain where it literally looks as if someone is THROWING the water down as hard as possible, thereby causing it to BOUNCE back UP a few times before finally falling on the ground. evidently, a day of this will bring out a slew of frogs, who then, willy-nilly scare the bejesus out of unsuspecting people like ME when they go out to talk to her neighbor at night. okay, it was only like 3 frogs, 2 of which were pretty far away, but the one almost ON my foot was disconcerting. i just felt weirdly duped by the night, seeing that huge frog, as if the dark was saying "see? SEE? don't come out here, you never know what might jump up on your leg and cause god only knows what kind of skin problem!"
whew. i think that's it, though will be back if i think of more!

a moment reworked to make fit

2008-07-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

Here's a moment I had and embellished:

Johnson says, as he lights a cigarette on a balcony by the sea, "American men are paranoid." He's disbelieving, scornful, as he pulls on the filter end of his girlfriend's Kool Menthol 100. The tradewinds accomapny his statement and we three women seated around the table contemplate, and smoke. Gwen runs a small, shaky hand through her yellow hair and turns to face the breeze, unsure of her skinny arms. Katie looks proud of her man, reaches to flick ashes and sits back, redolent and full of earth. Johnson watches through salty air and bright eyes for my response, waits in his patient way for my next impassioned speech.
And I say, "Paranoid. Interesting choice of word- why do you say that, exactly?", jumping on this phrasing with the curiosity I know is expected.
His dreadlocks make no noise, riding the soft winds of his people, and he grins, reaches forward to the ashtray and tsks, "You know, they're PARANOID.", and I infer, watching his gaze drift toward Katie, all he means.
I have a sudden flash of them in the bedroom, his dark hands lightly holding her wide hips, as he does that thing all tall men do- bend their knees, and kiss softly the mass of insecurity in front of them into submission and the unadulterated freedom TO BE.

chants

2008-07-17T19:55:00.001-07:00

here's a new thing i wrote, which still needs to be revised:

the muslims chant at 12:30,
prayer to air,
as if they have prayers to spare for the
unbeliever.
every day, out. and over.
arching meditations,
tropical webs of god,
the graceful flourish of heaven over one, small country.
overlooking buildings from an outdoor hallway
of an orange building,
i face up,
look out,
see the prayer as angels see-
in blue, over blue sky,
as lace settling like calm fingers of fathers over sleeping childrens' heads.
a sonorous chant of rapturous men
that lightly touches languid people who smile lazily at foreigners,
as if they can grant grace through sunny affect.
the muslims chant,
half past my midday heart,
bolster loneliness with godliness
and settle turbulence with the color of clear water,
the look of midday grins.
they joyfully offer me incantation of angels
and i listen so my ears don't forget the sounds of god.

home again home again jiggity jig

2008-07-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

well, this little piggy went alllllll the way home! i'm back in bajia now and everything in BOTH places seems surreal. coming back here and seeing all my peeps here in bajia as soon as i stepped off the plane felt so right. . . and yet, being back home in iowa seemed so right as well. that's totally weird to me. life here continued and fitting myself back into it is easy. i thought it wouldnt be.
i learned some stuff while in iowa, though. namely, that i LOVE LOVE LOVE iowa. i dont think any of us truly realize how beautiful someone or some place is until you see something else. maybe this is a blog entry about cheating on your spouse, as i think that's what i've been doing in bajia with iowa. . . or vice versa. anyway- after seeing CR and iowa day in and day out for over 30 years, i didnt realize how incredibly beautiful the landscape and the trees and the sky actually were. after having been away in a different country and seeing that landscape for 6 months, i saw iowa differently. it's beautiful and i'll happily come back there when i'm done working here. i'm actually thinking i'd like to buy a house there, which determines entirely how long i stay here, as i need to, you know, make payments and stuff on a house, so would love to get a down payment together at the least.
seeing my loved ones was also beautiful. i didnt realize just how well i'm understood and cared for and having it again for 2 weeks was wonderful. i'm viewed as an oddity here, i think, in many ways. not a bad thing, as it's nice to hear that my mind is appreciated in new and different ways, but to be around the people who understand HOW my mind works and who, in part, helped to make it work that way, is and was and will always be a blessing.
i'm just taking a little break from working right now and wanted to express this strange feeling i have- of belonging to 2 places, which i never thought i'd have. . . or maybe it's just belonging to 2 sets of people and belonging IN iowa. barbados will suffice until i'm ready to come to the only true and comfortable home i have, though.

immigration

2008-06-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

i don't know, maybe i should have expected it. you hear all the time, if you're an avid watcher of national geographic channel, about peoples' horror stories involving various and sundry government officials abroad. . . see also "Locked Up Abroad", a truly horrifying show, which didnt help my imagination from going into overdrive.
yesterday, i spent what might as well have been the most miserable 4 hours of my life physically. i would rather have a gynecological exam that lasted 4 hours and involved all my loved ones coming in to stare at my nether regions and make comments than spend ONE MORE MINUTE EVER in the barbados immigration office.
paula and i were told to meet leann (pronounce it LEON), the company driver down here, outside the school around 730 AM, as the immigration office is notorious down here for being slow and getting an extension on a passport could be an all-day affair, though the company we're affiliated with down here was SURE we wouldnt be there very long if they gave us letters explaining why we had been in the country for THREE MONTHS illegally and working. . .
so paula and i make the trek to downtown bridgetown at 730, get there around 745 (yes, it took 15 minutes to go 6 blocks- told you traffic was bad here) and we stand, outside, in the heat, on a street corner with 50-60 others. did i mention the heat? even at 730 AM?
bajans dont mess around at the immigration office. they opened the ONE door at 8 AM and they pushed people down, crammed in, just to be one of the first 20 in the doors. they raced up the stairs- fastest i've seen any of the bajans move here, to tell you the truth. paula and i went through the door and up the stairs at a sedate pace, smiling all the while and being as polite as we knew how, given the heat.
did i mention i hadn't eaten anything? did i mention THE HEAT?!
we got up to the somewhat dingy waiting room, which would have been a fine size for say, 20 people. For 50 and larger, the benches provided just enough seating if you pressed in. . . which they did, and then, so did we. So picture it- no windows open, HOT, press of bodies. things got stinky quick.
we all took our numbers and then got in line.
immigration officials are miserable people. seriously. just miserable. they had good cause to be upset with me for not getting down there sooner to get an extension, but in my defense, the Barbadian company we work with here said not to worry about it, as my work visa application had been sent and I would have that soon anyway. So there i am, the Wednesday before leaving on Sunday, hoping for an extension, not so i can LEAVE, but so that i can come back. the somewhat sour-faced lady with a jutting jaw informed me that it took a week for an extension and NO, i couldnt have one, as they take my passport and i obviously need that to GET THE HELL OUT OF HER COUNTRY. . . well, or something like that anyway.
they did not, however, have any good or reasonable cause to be upset with the poor british woman 5 people in front of me wearing a fantastic halter dress. no one TOLD us foreigners that there's a DRESS CODE to even TALK to immigration! the woman behind the glass calmly told her she wasnt attired properly and then turned to the next person in line.
after that display and a serious case of british umbrage that reduced the noble british accent to a fishwife harangue, i decided to just tell them right up front "i'll do whatever you think best".
paula was next and would have had no problem, except she was with my illegal ass in immigration. she wasnt travelling. she could have left her passport and been gone.
this was all before 9AM. we waited for a bit, i went to smoke a cigarette, thinking they were done with me when paula came tearing down the stairs and let me know they had called my name.
NO KIDDING- i honestly thought i might be going to prison. i ran up the stairs, envisioning my poor self in some courtyard surrounded by bajan/caribbean prisoners hanging out of cement block windows as i'm stripped, hosed down and shaved.
evidently, the letters we got from the company here helped our case, as they were willing to entertain the thought of giving me an extension. i was, in fact, told to pay for the extension, fill out the paperwork and hand over my passport.
it's a funny thing about handing over your passport in a foreign country. it literally feels like you're a child and someone has taken your security blanket. i wanted to wail, stamp my feet and demand it BACK!
instead, we waited.
FOR THREE HOURS.
in the heat, no air movement, over 200 people packed on benches, no food or drink allowed and no way to go and get any because if they called your name and you werent there, too bad so sad.
i kept myself entertained for the first hour watching the people around me and fanning myself with my extension receipt. i saw a one-eyed man with an eye patch. i saw a midget bajan with a chain on his wallet. i saw a woman in a black burka in that heat with a baby. (did you know they have to unveil their faces for immigration?). i saw 4 babies and as much cleavage as i've ever seen anywhere.
the second hour i entertained myself imagining the sour-faced, lantern-jawed crazy woman behind the glass (WITH THE AIR CONDITIONING) being a really fun person outside of work. i imagined her at a party, laughing and dancing. i imagined her with her kids and husband on the beach, having a picnic. at church, singing with joy. and yet- the ever-present reality of this woman in front of me kept my imagination always fuzzy around the edges, where if i but pulled back the laminate of my fantasy, i would find her sitting in front of the TV watching some crappy show about animals killing other animals and doing dirty crosswords she downloaded off the internet.
the third hour, as the smell around me increased, i tried not to fan my extension receipt too fast or furious. i also began to imagine myself crying copiously and piteously, but was afraid to try, as i didnt want to lose any more water. i figured i may be there even longer and if i lost any more water, i could possibly dry up, a sad shell of my former self. i had begun to imagine what kind of shit fit i would throw if they all up and went to lunch and left us there in that heat with no food or water, when they finally called our names.
we were granted extensions and given until november 30 to get our work visas.
i can now get back into the country, though if it ever involves going to immigration again, i'll happily take the next plane home.

water disconnect

2008-06-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

there's nothing else to talk about except the flooding. just nothing. being here is a strange thing, when i know my history is slowly being flooded. my students are pretty cool and keep up with world news, so they've been asking if everyone is okay and i appreciate it. i know that being IN IT is infinitely worse, but here's the perspective i have, which i'm sure you can understand.
this is my connection all the way back as far as i can remember. it's one of the things i've taken for granted since i've come to barbados- that CR will be there when i get back, maybe a little changed, but nothing major and nothing i can't see as a logical progression of a growing city. this isn't either of those things. every photo and video i see shows me images of streets and and buildings i've been in, i have memories of. every photo is a sad reminder to me that things DO and WILL change and in ways i can't make sense of. the other teachers here are somewhat dismissive of this stressor on my current stressors, but it seems to be there always now- just creeping around, ready to make me weepy at a moment's notice.
i've said since i came here that i dont miss family or friends, and really, i haven't. i talk to everybody i love on a weekly basis. what i have missed most is the actual CITY of cedar rapids. i wasnt one of those kids who wanted to leave because CR wasn't good enough. i wanted to leave so i could come back and have had my experience of living somewhere else, specifically in another country. i looooove cedar rapids and i looooove iowa. it's corny (pun intended), but i like my hometown and to see images of it so devastated is devastatING. for me it's like looking at images of a loved one wounded and you aren't there and can't be there to help, to watch over, to take care of them.
it's also totally sad to me that i am now in a place where i dont and wont have the same history as the people i love. everyone back home will have this story and i now have a different one. it's been more than 30 years that i lived in CR and i've had the same stories as everyone there. now, my story involves the lives of my students and how they asked after my city and my loved ones. it involves being on an island as the island in the cedar river was slowly swallowed by water. it involves looking for anyone thousands of miles away who will listen to my worries and sadness and even TRY to understand why i get weepy on this subject. it involves calling friends and not getting a hold of them because cell phone towers are down, worrying about my mom in one of the hospitals after knee surgery with no lights and no pain meds because the hospital is so understaffed. but it does NOT involve driving the interstate bridge over downtown and the swollen river and seeing, firsthand, the damage. it does NOT involve hanging with my friends who suddenly can't go to work. it does NOT involve listening, in the late nights with no lights, the slow groan of a city that i love.
i am, like my sister, heartbroken and humbled in the face of all of this. keeping my city and my history in daily thoughts and mediations,
disconnected in dados

stressed in the sun

2008-06-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

Has it already been a month since I last posted? It seems like yesterday! It's been a frustrating month, though, mostly busy with work and that can make time go by quickly, no doubt. We've started the students on their internships and since this is a new program, we've had a lot of misfires with platforms used and transcriptions done. The students have been troopers and put up with us changing things in the middle of the day, as well as hearing about the companies opening here. This is a new industry for Barbados, so the companies involved are literally starting from the ground up. The company I work for, TRS, is opening a production center here as well, so between getting new classes together for September with a brand new book and curriculum, helping with starting a new production center and hiring and getting office furniture etc, AND getting geared up for starting a new school in Antigua, it's entirely too hectic here! You'd think living on a tropical isle wouldn't be stressful, right? I've gotten back into going to the beach on the weekends and getting into the water for exactly this reason. It's weird how swimming in the sea for 45 minutes will clear your head. . . well, i mostly just float what with my big butt, but still- it's refreshing.
I'll be coming home for 2 weeks at the beginning of july and plan on sitting and eating til i get sick. I miss the foods I like! You will most likely find me at: B&N with a frappucino, Target, a movie theater OR Granite City, McDonald's and Arbys. So sad, but so true. If I'm not there, check mom's house and bring STRAWBERRIES!

the secret life of words

2008-05-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

go out and rent "the secret life of words". just a devasting, beautiful love story. heartbreaking and heart-mending. i LOVE this movie and i'm jealous of the title as i ABSOLUTELY want to use it in a line of poetry.

dear friends

2008-05-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

dear friends, i am down the way of barbados, on past cuba, puerto rico, on out east. i am marooned with others, who are not countless, on a finite space in infinite water. i am down barbados way, up this blue creek with only my pen as paddle.
dear, dear friends, i have daily seen the black skin of a forced diaspora from distant shores. i have woken up early to watch horizons become my day. i have sailed on the blue waters, like the brightest blue of your happiest dream, looking back on mansions built beside hovels. i have smiled at the smiles of a happy people. i am watching, listening for winds off the plains of home, always.
dearest friends, i have made friends on beaches with finite borders of infinite sand. i have backed away from glass bottoms on boats, eaten ice cream on busy streets sweetened by reggae-filled wind. i have moved furniture in sweltering heat, swimming through sea-scented air, cooled by tradewinds. i have taught the ancestors of slaves knowledge needed for a better life.
and still. i am not home.
and still, dear friends, you are not here.
these things are bound to change me, are working tangibly on browned skin, but in calm moments, i know that home is not here beyond the temporary housing and too small bed, closets filled with my clothes and shelves lined with my books. all is transient permenance. my heart is here, as it traveled with me, but i will happily pack it up and come to you, whole.
dear friends, it smells like flowers here at two a.m., when the darkest of dark night descends, when only the whistling tree frogs share my nighttime space. all windows open, it's as if i live outside here, amongst an unfamiliar green, the green of known palms and sugar cane. the night is black here, dear friends, the moon so far away as to seem one small, shining quarter farther than even i know how to write, the language of poetry eludes my eyes. i am writing from the shores, my darling people, this message in my small bottle, floating to you from down barbados way.

peaceful barbados

2008-04-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

it's been quiet as a churchyard here kids. i find myself wanting to write something and yet, not knowing WHAT to write. just watched "practical magic", which is always a favorite and now i want to live in new england on an island in an old, HUGE victorian with my sister and have herbs and practice magic. yep, fantasy island, here i AM.
things have become pretty sedate lately. i've seen a ton of the country i live in and am now taken up with the daily process of living and working A LOT. school takes up much of my time and i'm happy for the work. i've also become fairly reclusive, as it's prohibitive to drive anywhere here- the roads are just too small for my liking. i'm looking forward to living in a country that has SPACE and think my time here will be spent enjoying the people and quietly moving through the main streets (which are still too small). i dont expect i'll live here for much longer than the job requires me to, but you never know. my company has a lot of opportunities that may just be too good to pass up, and i'm excited about being in on the ground floor of helping a country and many of the caribbean islands start new service-based employment industries. it's exciting to feel like you're doing tangible good work to train and provide better jobs for people.
it's a strange situation here, in that the only people i know who i can socialize with are the other teachers and they are all much older than me (by about 20-25 years), so i'm learning to adjust to their personalities and the differences in our backgrounds. i've become very, very cognizant of the fact that i am something different- not only to the people who have known me for years, but also to those who have to get used to ME. i thought i was pretty normal, but when faced with the mirror of new people, i see that i'm not.
i plan on coming home in july, as i miss barnes and noble just a little too much. and quite honestly, the iowa sunsets are about a BAjillion times better than the barbados sunsets, so i miss home. plus, i want to drive on the other side of the road for a bit!
all is well here, though. just feeling pensive tonight and will have to sleep on it- maybe take out the journal and write some. hope you're all doing well!

company

2008-03-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

well kids, i have 3 weeks off and am into the start of the second week now. hopefully, i'll be able to post some more as these days wear on. i'm having a small problem with not going to work, as i miss the students quite a bit more than anticipated. it's one thing to have a vacation and another all together to be cut off from the people who are, essentially, your lifeline in a world you dont know.
as for the vacation part, my last week has been spent with mom and terri spahn. they came for a nice visit and we all three had great fun exploring this country. i can happily say i've seen the majority of the country now and all in a week's time. i've thought frequently since i moved here that it's so strange to be in a place where your main support system (friends and family) have no idea what your day-to-day life LOOKS like and it was wonderful to have someone come here. i am worried, as per usual, that i will never be able to actually live with someone again, as the amount of time alone i require seems to be getting more and more prolonged as the years go on. it was so fantastic to have them here, but in this particular way, i was glad to have the respite from constant company. i did have a little melt down once they left as, let's face it, everything seems safer when mom is around, like she can stop any bad stuff from happening.
what else has happened in the month or so since i wrote last? i saw a terrible accident on the road home the week before mom came involving a car and a man on a bike. he, thankfully, ended up with minor injuries, but all the same, i've continued to be shaken by the event.
we've had one of the teachers leave us as well, which proved to be distressing and tension filled, but hopefully the best for her in the end. i was definitely sorry to see her go.
mostly, it's been work and laughing and wishing there were seasons here and going to the beach and company. i feel like i live here and am very happy with that.
on one of our tours this past week, we went to St. John's Parish Church on the Eastern side of the island and i'd have to say, it's absolutely a place to find god. it was as if, when we stepped on the grounds, all troubles left. i'll be going back for sure, as i think there is poetry there and power in words written there.
i hope you all are doing well and i'll certainly be back soon!

tourism and umbrellas

2008-02-18T18:39:00.000-08:00

i'm tired tonight. it's fairly late for me- 1030 and almost bedtime, but i thought i'd take a few and let y'all know what's going down on the island.
i've been thinking a lot lately and doing some searching inside. on the outside, i've been RUNNING around this island for 3 days (friday, saturday, sunday nonstop) and seen a ton, but inevitably when i go out and do things, the noggin starts going and i can't seem to stop. mostly, i've been thinking about how everyone i talk to says things like "well, have fun on the tropical island. drink some fruity drinks with little umbrellas for me while you're at the beach". i'd like to say that LIVING, on a day-to-day basis in a place that is, by and large, a vacation destination is, in fact, NOT a vacation. i did go to the beach this weekend and get into the sea, which is my new favorite thing, but all in all, i work here and i live here. and it's not a vacation, even with the sun, the sea and yes, the fruity drinks with umbrellas. as we've always talked about, no matter where you go, you still have to be YOU when you get there. and i'm still me. nothing huge has changed in that aspect, other than i'm a little more daring in terms of what i'll do in public (like SAAAYYYY, go to the beach, strip off my shirt and go into the sea with just a bra and pants on. . . that sort of thing), and it's an eye-opener to be in a culture that doesnt care so much about size, but otherwise, i still need a ton of time alone to function. i still get bogged down in worries every 2 weeks or so. i still see weird things and laugh like a braying donkey. same ol' me, living at a vacation spot for everyone else. i did buy some sarongs, to truly embrace the "island girl" motif, plus it's damn hot here and quite frankly, the less clothes i wear (or at the least the thinner the fabric, the better), the better i feel. so living in a place that everyone ELSE goes for vacation is strange. because i have to get off WORK and go to the store and grab some toilet paper and garbage bags tomorrow. i'm thinking about all the house-cleaning i need to do this weekend. and my nights are FILLED with different body/organ systems and lesson planning. it's wonderful here and the people are great, but i finally get it- NOT on vacation. LIVE HERE. have to find places i like to go. have to find places to get clothes, garbage bags, lamps, stupid stuff like that. i am, however, getting QUITE a nice tan! my students have been laughing at me because to them, i'm still the most white person here, but for me, i'm crazy dark! all is well here. just going through growing pains, and unfortunately, no fruity drinks with umbrellas in sight unless i go to where the tourists are and i just can't be classified as a tourist anymore.

summation

2008-02-06T18:39:00.000-08:00

let me tell you about my days here. i get up at 630 AM, yes AM, usually around the time the sun is coming up. did you know- there are 12 hours of sunlight and then 12 hours of night here around the equator, not matter WHAT? so in this, their "winter" (LOL), the sun comes up around 630 and sets around 630, without fail. so there i am, getting up WITH THE SUN, wondering what strange monkey hijacked my night-loving life and i go into my bathroom and turn on the shower. did you KNOW- the hot water comes from a cistern on the roof here and for me to GET hot water, i have to wait for about 5 minutes (sometimes 10) with the shower running to get to the hot water part of the cistern? so many days, i take cold showers. bracing. really, really bracing. i get dressed, get my lunch together and head out in my right-handed car, where i drive from the passenger seat, basically. i turn right and get into the LEFT lane and go through the small roundabout at the end of my street. to get to the main highway near my house, i take a very small, very winding road and hope to GOD a bus doesnt catch me coming the other way, as this entails me moving my car into what can only be considered dense underbrush. get to the highway and start down, down, down (i live up, up, up) the long and winding road to ANOTHER main highway (highway 1 along the coast). did you know- if you're about eye level with the horizon here, sayyyy, on your way to work and going DOWN, the horizon actually looks HIGHER than you, giving you the disconcerting feeling that the tsunami of ocean is, in fact, headed STRAIGHT for you? it does, and it isnt. turn left (easy peasy) and go through holetown. inevitably hit traffic and sloowwwwlly crawl the next 5 km to work. the entire trip takes 45 minutes to an hour, so i get there around 8 AM. dink for an hour at the office, make copies for class, print stuff off. think of stuff to do. start class at 9 by asking how everyone is, yadda yadda yadda. dont actually start class, really, until about 930, as most of my students wander in when they feel like it OR when the bus has finally dropped them off from ALL over the island. so they study or i find something to DO and finally, i start with a lecture, spelling words, whatevs. inevitably, they laugh at their crazy teacher, as i'm prone to leaving pens, papers and my book somewhere in the classroom and can't find it. snd so it goes til 1030, first break. they're supposed to take 15 minutes, but i've given up on that and it usually lasts 20 minutes, 25 for some. back to class until 12, lunch break, wherein i close the door to my office and my officemate, mike, and i sing for most of the hour (he loves show tunes as much as i do). then off to the lab til 4. the lab is basically a quiet place for me. i walk around and answer the questions of essentially 30 new transcriptionists and they laugh at me some more when i leave everything i have at someone's desk. my students are funny, though, and i like them all A LOT. they have a great way of speaking- if they're mad, they say "anne. i'm vexed.", or one of them came up to me the other day and said "anne. i have a confrontation." and then proceeded to tell me what EXACTLY was wrong with the job she just did. it's just funny and strange moments like that that i love about being here! i leave work at 4 and make my long trek HOME and hope no one has had an accident on the highways there, as that tacks on about 30 minutes to my already 45-minute drive home. inevitably, i've forgotten to pee during the day, so i rush home on a wing and a prayer and run to the bathroom. my nights are pretty basic- eat, start work around 6, do lesson plans, get my lecture together (this week it's the lymphatic system), do some grading and wait for the night teachers to get home around 930. we talk til about 1030, i call laura and then i GO TO BED. typical day for me. pretty boring, except that i'm on a tropical island that is so small you can get around it in about hour . . . if you didnt have traffic. summation of anne's days for you. the weekends are a different matter and involve going new places and EATING at great restaurants, which i'm in love with! just wanted to give you all a sense of what it is i DO!

good things about b'dos

2008-01-29T08:09:00.000-08:00

i was just re-reading the past entries and it occurs to me that i sound somewhat negative about this country as i've been describing the roads and such. let me tell you some really good things about barbados.
1. the people. just in general. the people are sunny and intelligent and civic-minded. all together, the people of barbados seem to be well educated and always helpful. case in point- the driving. again- they have no problem letting looooong lines of cars turn right (remember, the right turn here is akin to the left turn there), they happily honk if they see someone they know, and it seems that no one is in any great hurry to get anywhere- just happy to be alive and driving on their beautiful island.
2. the stress-free living. seriously- it's just not stressful here.
3. the food- no KIDDING- the food and restaurants and availability of fine dining is amazing here. i've already been to 2 restaurants that have made me weepy when i walked in and ate the food. they understand the presentation and atmosphere a restaurant needs to have to be labeled "fine dining". there's a ritualistic aspect of food here, that i suspect has something to do with how health-conscious people here are AND the cost of food being prohibitive to being wasteful.
4. this one is just for me- i like how strange everything is here. how everything you eat here has what mike, one of the other teachers, kindly refers to as "THE WANG"- there's just a taste and a smell to this island that is uniquely theirs.

i hope that barbados can marry their ambition and their stress-free living to become the first world country they want to be. it's a blessed life i have here- better than many of my students, and i hope not to become too negative when silly things like the internet going out of the weekend bring me down. i'm still working on being comfortable in my surroundings, but my students have helped a lot with this. they're learning to laugh at me (as you all do) and my weird ideas and they've been bringing me local foods/drinks to try, which has made me feel so welcomed here.

all in all, i doubt very much i'll be back to the US anytime soon and now feel that since i'm out in the world, i'd better see more of it and live other places now. i just cant see going back and living in the US and getting used to the gluttony, the stressful living, and the attitude of convenience again. mostly, i dont WANT to. we'll see what i come up with, but for now- come see me down here and marvel at my english driving skills!

island trippin'

2008-01-19T15:24:00.000-08:00

this is a funny place for me to be living. i hate the sun, did you know? it makes me tired and somewhat irritable. i told jay today, me living in the tropics is like him marrying a woman- you can live with it and even find some pleasure in it, but it still isnt what you ultimately LIKE. i know a lot of you are envious of the warm weather, i get it. but i LOVE winter and fall! i LOOOOVE them. and now y'all are getting blizzards and i get weepy when you tell me. because people, it is HOT here. the only saving grace is the ocean breeze, but let's face it, when you're big and in the heat, an ocean breeze only goes so far. it's hot and it's humid and there are millipedes here you wouldnt BELIEVE. and i have lizards living IN my apartment, which i dont mind so much, as they keep the millipedes at bay. . . it's just so flippin' strange!

went driving to the near the top of the island yesterday with the girls (andrea, paula and glenda) and realized that what looks like hundreds of miles on the map, is in fact, only about 10 minutes away. we were just driving along this "highway" (1 lane, littered with potholes) and the road, you know, just ended. had to back up, go another route. went around a bend and there was the atlantic, deep blue and choppy. we had reached the end of the THAT road on a cliff top that just had a small, handpainted sign saying "nice view" with an arrow. and it was- beautiful view, really. the landscapes here are devastating- so lush and green, dotted with villas here and there and then you come upon what they consider a town, which is more like 15-20 houses in a row, dogs lolling in the street and people putting out laundry. havent seen more of the country itself yet, but plan on doing more tomorrow. i kept saying "i know the color green, this looks normal, until you see the trees that are totally alien to you, or the fields of sugar cane." no matter how you look at sugar cane, it still isnt corn.

we live behind the big polo field on the island (maybe one of them, not sure) and yesterday as i put my laundry on the line to dry, i got that scent of horse farm fleetingly and it reminded me of the cows and farms and HOME. very nice. i never thought i even noticed that, but i must have as that made me feel good.

today it was off to the Roti Den, a small hole-in-the-wall restaurant that serves one of their main dishes, the roti. these are fantastic! meat, curried potatoes (spicy) all in a tortilla-like wrap. i cant describe it and i've never been a fan of curry, but i had NO IDEA it was curry til someone told me. very, very good, and a great filling meal for not a lot of money. then to Tuckaway, a local, homemade ice cream shop. just sat on the strip that is highway 1 (again, only 2 lanes, busy) under an umbrella with a light mist from time to time eating coconut and chocolate ice cream, chatting with the other teachers and our boss. very cool, until the rain left and the humidity started AGAIN.

stopped at a small fruit vendor stand and bought papaya, mango, bananas, tangerines- thought of alan. HAD to get that papaya for my pal! the ladies there were AWESOME! they call out as soon as you step near "honey, you want a papaya? sweetheart, how you doing today? you want some mango, some banana, some pineapple?" they let me know how to tell a good papaya from a bad, and how to cut up mangoes. will definitely be going back!

and then off to the SuperCenter, which is their version of Hy-Vee, I suppose. so insanely LOUD in there and all the meat had been taken, which sucked as i was looking for some shrimp. here, if they're out of it in the store, you have to wait to like wednesday or thursday before they stock up. so no meat this week unless i want to go hunting for it.

all in all, a good day and one in which i got to experience more of where it is i live now. each new experience makes me more comfortable here- i cant imagine not being OUT and about, not seeing and talking to people. i make it a habit to ask each bajan i meet how their day is going, what they've been doing. i figure, the more people i talk to, the better i'll understand this country.

hope you all are well and having a good time in my favorite season!

birthday thoughts on this, my 34th

2008-01-16T14:19:00.000-08:00

so i come to you from the island today, my birthday. i come to you tired and somewhat cranky, but feeling like maybe i should write and let you all know some of my thoughts about barbados and living outside the US.

so there is NO wal-mart. that's my first thought, and though a sad one in terms of where my mind is today, a valid one. i want donuts. i want waxy donuts for my birthday and there is no easy way to get those here. in some ways, i'm glad that nothing is terribly convenient here- it makes life a lot simpler. in other ways, it just seems a hassle, no doubt.

i can't tell you how different absolutely everything about life is here. i dont know that anyone would actually get it unless they came here and stayed at least 4 or 5 days and even then, it's still just the tip of the iceberg (though those are hard to come by in the tropics!). i got my car this week, a zippy little mazda protege, which i'm thankful for as it's SMALL and the roads here, for the most part, are too! there are no actual highways here, just small, 2 lane streets that sometimes narrow to one lane, inevitably at the point you LEAST want it to. this island is pretty congested where i live (about 5 miles up the coast from bridgetown) and getting to work in bridgetown is actually anywhere from a 30-minute to hour commute, depending on whether the traffic is bad on the 2-lane road (highway) heading into town. what you dont want is for anyone to get into an accident on that road, as here- you just stop everything and wait for the police to come. the only saving grace about getting anywhere near bridgetown, and i'm assuming anywhere else on the island, is that everyone is SOOOOOO laid back here. they use their car horns, for the most part, to say hello or let you know you can come through or turn and no one thinks anything of stopping for pedestrians and letting them cross a busy highway. if they dont like the speed you're going, they just pass you and happily honk to let you know they're going around! very civilized, to say the least.

i have discovered that nothing actually goes stale in the tropics, either. if you leave, say, a package of opened "biscuits" (cookies) open for 2 days, they just get damp. if you leave a loaf of bread out and dont put it in the fridge, you have a loaf of mold in about 3 days. just stuff i'm not used to at all.

mostly, though, what i find strange is that it LOOKS like the same world i understand and yet, i'm reminded daily that it actually just isnt- by a thousand small things. thank GOD for the other teachers here who have given me a crash course in being a Bajan and thank goodness for the work and the students!

will be back later with more thoughts. have had a long day and must now go and stare at a wall as i process some MORE stuff! i hope you all are well!

HOLY CRAP

2008-01-10T11:17:00.000-08:00

I'm here. I got here. After 12 hours on 3 planes. I'm HERE. in Barbados. WHAT?!!!

More this weekend, maybe with pix. Am tired today, too much stuff to do for work.

bahama mama

2007-12-11T22:58:00.000-08:00

big news kids! i am mostly sure i'll be moving to Barbados January 3! yep, i am going to go live and work in the bahamas for the next 18 months- pending a certification test i have to take on the 17th. if i pass (which i hope i will) i will be TEACHING medical transcription in the sunny land of barbados. i'm super excited and insanely terrified at this huge move on such short notice, and hate leaving linnea high and dry, but this was such a great opportunity, i have to take it. i found out tonight i got the job and now MUST pass this certification test for the American Association of Medical Transcription- so they know i'm not full of crap, and then all is well! WHOOO HOOOOO!! drop me a line or give me a call if you're in town for christmas (CR or w'loo) and we'll have to get together, otherwise you can all come to barbados as i'll have my own 2-bedroom apartment down there (paid for the by the company- even better) and can certainly put you up. more news to come in a week!

quickie holiday note

2007-12-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

well, i suppose i could be like everyone else and do the whole "My, how busy this holiday season has been!" schtick, but honestly, it's not been that busy. made my first-ever turkey this t-giving, had people up to w'loo for our annual night before t-giving watching of "home for the holidays", and have just recently also made jell-o for the first time ever. that's how busy it's been. nothing huge, though the making of t-giving dinner, the cleaning and the making of the food for the night before was a 3-day process, it was all worth it and i certainly wouldnt change anything about any of it.

just gearing up now for christmas, which never seems to be long enough. i wish the christmas season would last for at least one-fourth of the year. i love it SO much! have next weekend off, going to go and stay in CR for the annual hanukah/christmas party, alan's birthday, see regina, go to mateo's sinter klaas party- you know, catch UP! and then work for the rest of the christmas season. i'm now working 4, 10-hour days and have mondays, tuesdays and wednesdays off and i have to say- if you can get that schedule, it's NICE. maybe not the days off per se, but the whole "4, 10-hour days" thing is SWEET. cool thing is that when i take a weekend off, i have til wednesday before i have to be back. . . joy.

really, just wanted to wish all of you a very, very happy holiday season! if any of you is up near or around the w'loo or even CR area, give me a call or drop me an email and i'll see if i cant find some time to see you! Happy Holidays all!

Volcanoes, earthquakes and bearnaise, OH NO!

2007-10-20T16:40:00.000-07:00

thoughts at 641 PM Central Standard Time:

1. If it doesn't taste good with bearnaise sauce, does it, in fact, taste good at all?

2. Tarragon is spice of the gods.

3. I feel I need to go into training for the apocalypse- there may be a lot of running involved, from volcanic ash, earthquake-y regions, tsunamis, not to mention the very real threat of the Rage Virus from 28 Days/Weeks Later, AND possible alien invasion scenarios. . . if you need to find me, I'll be the one in running like a fiend til 2012, stockpiling medicines and guns (yeah, I said it), and watching the skies. . .

or I could stop watching those shows on the History Channel.

a cautionary tale

2007-10-16T13:54:00.001-07:00

to expound on a theme, linnea and i took the cat, stanley, to the vet yesterday. . . the theme being our unlucky cat habits. . . in that we've already had one die this past summer and stanley looked peaked, not to mention he had a lump under his back left leg on his belly. so we went to dr. kneeland (i dont know how to spell the man's name, that's just how it sounds) at PAWSITIVE PET CARE (yeah, i know), where our other cat, buddha, died. they were very, very cool with buddha and let's just say it, i'm a little in love with dr. kneeland, so we made the trek back.

we had been there about a month ago for a routine stanley checkup and they had kittens there that they were getting rid of. of course, linnea fell in love with one of them, named it milo, and we weighed the pros and cons. . . and i hoped she'd just forget about it.

milo was still there people. so we chatted with the reception ladies, played with milo and waited for the doc to see us. he does and stanley, true to form, wins over everyone who comes in contact with him. the doc is understandbly perplexed as to why ALL of stanley's lymph nodes in the back half of his body have swollen to the size of his thumbs (the docs, not stanley's) and proceeds to tell us he'll need to do some blood work, check for feline immunodeficiency virus (yes, kitty HIV) and leukemia (which stanley was vaccinated for, but it may not have "taken"). i wondered briefly why even spend the money on a vaccine that may not "take", but agreed to said tests. it wouldnt have been perplexing to the doc had stanley's FRONT lymph nodes also swollen, thereby giving him the very reasonable diagnosis of infection and a happy course of antibiotics, wherein linnea and i wrestled daily with said cat in an attempt to push said antibiotics down his throat, getting bitten for our troubles and contracting said kitty infection. YAY.

an hour goes by wherein they sedate the cat to get the blood, the tests come back negative for EVERYTHING and stanley's white blood count is, in fact, quite low, so it's a viral infection. we wait ANOTHER hour to get the results of the x-rays back, which i agreed to doing so they could see if the lumps were cancer. . BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. x-rays cost A LOT of money, no matter if you're at the vet or not. . . i just thought stanley is a CAT for god's sake- the x-ray can't be that BIG!

and then the laughter begins. . . remember, this whole time linnea and i are playing with milo the kitten, whom we have been informed costs $50. i'm ready to pay for milo and for stanley's under-$150 bill, i assume. the ladies at the front desk say to my question of how much we owe them. . .

$429. 28

to which i answer "okay. . . . okay! what can we do to get a payment plan set up or the credit card limit upped?"

linnea is staring blankly.

a minute goes by wherein i start planning on we're going to pay this huge bill and trying not to PUKE at how much it actually.

linnea is still staring blankly.

i ask linnea, "What do you think? how do you want to do this?"

to which she replies "what? huh? what did they say? how much was that?"

pooooor linnea had gotten stuck in the moment RIGHT after the bombed dropped and couldnt seem to get out of it.

upon returning to the car with cat in hand, linnea says "Anne, i almost told them to just trade him in for the newer cat. i almost said- gimme the $50 cat and you can keep the $400 cat!"

i laughed for about an hour after over the fact that linnea had, in fact, been STRUCK SPEECHLESS. i have honestly never seen it and it was worth the $400, i feel.

so my word of warning to you- dont get x-rays if you can help it.

stalker? i think not

2007-10-10T16:37:00.000-07:00

what is UP with you people?!!

i have just spent the last hour googling and you tubing and then google imaging all y'all and no one, just NO ONE i know has a secret life on the internet! i was hoping to find some dirt, as i have an absence of drama and wanted SOMEthing to feed this drama need happening and nothing.

i could, i suppose, search porn sites, but honestly i think if i wanted to know THAT about any one of you, i'd just ask to see you naked. i only wanted a little drama, people. like, maybe one of you is secretly selling bananas online or maybe you have a secret blog (yes, i did try a variety of names and nicknames, thank you). OH OH OH or MAYbe you have a secret family! WHOO HOOOOO!! that'd be awesome!

the only person i found was my pal arthur in brazil on you tube because he's a musician and someone put some shows up with him in it. . . which is cool and all, but really? not a secret. nothing secret going on there. . . unless some of the comments had secrets, but i cant read portuguese, so no luck there. . .

(edit: I did also find D'PAT on there and it was just lovely to see his face again! but, again, just no secret that d'pat is out there people!)

eh, i've got to find something better to do. i actually ended up looking up bjork videos on you tube and remembering how much i love her so!

next week's podcast is po'try i guess, so take a listen if you can- itunes, desaadsmachine, easy peasy!

rearranged the living room today. reveled in the fall chilly air- that's all i've got today!

monday's apocalypse

2007-10-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

monday, monday! it's my day off and i've been fiddlin' today. . . which in my world means i did a bunch of stuff that wasn't on any list. mostly, i just walked around the townhouse and found little things to do with no plan involved. if you've lived with me in the past couple of years, which basically means, if you're linnea, you know that i usually have a list ready to go on monday morning (okay, mid-morning, early afternoon) and i work on that list on through wednesday. today, i decided to forego the list and just, you know, fiddle.

so the main endeavor today was the turkey. we got these 4 turkey breasts last week (and we froze them immediately because we're not stupid) and i decided that on a limited budget, i could in fact make a great turkey meal that was not like anything i'd eaten OR made before. so here's what i did: took out the crockpot, put the juice of a can of pears on the bottom and 2/3 of a stick of butter, some brown sugar, cinnamon and tarragon. then, put the turkey on top, put bacon on top of THAT and in a separate skillet, did up some apple slices, the pears, and more cinnamon, tarragon and nutmeg. put all THAT over the turkey and let it cook for about 4 hours. end result: what linnea so kindly referred to as "crack from the crockpot". . . TAAAAAASTY! makes me happy to do things like that for people. i've come to realize, not a recipe kinda gal. like to make things up more than anything. i like it when i have an idea about what will taste good with what and i have to say, this time it was the idea that cinnamon and tarragon would, indeed, taste good together. . . and i'm happy to say, i was right.

as for the rest of my day of fiddlin'- took garbage out, did dishes, mopped and sweeped, rearranged some furniture, cleaned a bathroom, and watched 3 different History Channel shows, as follows: The Night of the Long Knives (about Hitler's massacre on June 30, 1934, effectively bringing him ultimate power as the leader of the Nazi Party and Germany), Decoding the Past: 2012 the Apocalypse (or something like that) and Siberian Apocalypse: Tuskunga Event. HOLY COW! i love that crap! the hitler show was chilling, just chilling. it's one thing to know about the Holocaust, and this may sound weird, but i started to think that you want to make it in your mind like hitler was removed, in part, from the ACTUALITY of those deeds. this show really showed that he was, in fact, NOT removed from ANY of it and that he found not just one, but many,many man who were just as cold-blooded as he. the other shows, i'm pretty sure were put on TV to scare me to death BEFORE anything bad could happen on a global killer/catastrophic scale. linnea has banned me from the History Channel when she saw that i had gone through and basically DVR'd anything with "apocalypse" in the title. she said she was tired of having to work around my apocalyptic tv viewing. GOD - those shows are SO COOL and so frightening all at the same time. i know now, because of the Discovery Channel (i think it was) that i wont be going to Hawaii, like, EVER- watched a showed called MEGA DISASTER: Hawaii's Volcanoes or some such. JESUS. they are just SITTING on DOOOOOOOM!

okay, so that's my day off. i've got tomorrow to rack up more strange history tv shows, so be warned if i call you yacking about the apocalypse!

tired kitty

2007-10-04T15:49:00.000-07:00

i just really wish we lived in a world where we could sleep when we get tired. . . just any ol' time. just thinkin' at work about sleep patterns and why it is we get tired at night and sleep at night. what a strange and arbitrary thing. . . AND what if it was flipped- how would our language change? how would our worldview change?

cuz really?- i'm tired right NOW and i want the autonomy to sleep whenever the heck i feel like it. i want jobs wherein i can say "hey- feeling kinda tired right now, be back later!" that'd be awwwwwesome!

hansel, gretl, rants and husbands

2007-08-13T16:04:00.000-07:00

i'm a little concerned about the State of Affairs today, so bear with me.

through a series of conversations i've had recently with jay, laura, linnea, the podcast listeners (which wasnt so much a conversation as a recorded monologue), dan patterson, an email to my pal candy k from college, i've become increasingly worried about Things. . .

here's the connectors in my head and how i came to be suspicious and worried over How Things Are:

THREAD #1: i started watching firefly while linnea was gone to michigan about a week ago. to say that i LOVED this show would be an understatement. . . i adored it and wished i could eat it and then give birth to it as my own (which sounds strange, but made sense in my head). i ended up loving the guy who plays the main character based on some nifty google searches and certain websites and my 13-year-old-like need to look at photos of "cute boys". . . 'nuff said there!

THREAD #2: i had a FANTASTIC conversation about 2 weeks ago with laura about how tom cruise and will smith were great friends and how she thinks all these stars who hang out in that arena together (The Tom-Will StarFriends Arena) peopled by john travolta and the beckhams, are in cahoots to ultimately create a production company with a stable of some of the best actors around today. . . she felt this was NOT, in point of fact, a SINISTER thing but rather, a fabulous way to bring us better movies. . . i felt this WAS a Sinister Thing and over the course of an hour proceeded to elucidate my general sense of doom at this idea to great effect.
(see also anne's feelings on scientology and john travolta, which include general disdain for a religion who's hatred of gays is buried deep, deep in its literature so no one who comes a'callin' would know til they were sucked in and giving tons of money and playing like they didnt belong to a hate-monger religion to an unsuspecting public. . . AND a general abhorrence of anyone who goes on the richest woman in the world's daytime talk show and cries lovingly with said rich talkshow host about how he can take his friends in his JET and buy them grand things and how wonderful it is to be GIVING to people, neverMIND that his FUCKING friends are all millionaires as well and could afford his little "picnics" while the people watching from the ground have actual, REAL PROBLEMS like finding a way to eat and a place to live- do you wanna give up that plane for public housing, johnny?!).

THREAD #3 i received a comment on this VERY blog from an old friend, candy, from my college days. this was one amazing girl, folks and i have NO DOUBT she is one amazing woman as well! i was very, very glad to hear from her and proceeded to write an email and check out her myspace spot.

THREAD #4: i went BACK to certain and sundry nathan fillion (my new husband via firefly) sites and started reading comments left on certain boards about people helping other people, handing out books, and then strange comments that felt very much as though i had hopped into a parallel universe or at the very least, into the middle of a conversation had by aliens on the State of Things.

THREAD #5: I checked the Desaad's Machine forums on the Comic Book Queers website to see if anyone had anything to say about the latest podcast wherein i blast tom cruise and come out with my love of my boyfriend, nathan fillion.

THREAD #6: I wasted a good hour and a half AT WORK doing all these things and, indeed, am wasting precious time AT WORK (granted i'm officially "on break") writing this blog entry.

AND THIS ALL ADDS UP TO:

FINAL ANSWER: I hate the internet. i become faintly paranoid and slightly unsettled by the idea that in some way, i'm OUT THERE on an unsuspecting world. i feel that every foray i make into an increasingly interactive public forum, i become spotlighted. and this blog entry is just one more THING. i have felt, for most of my adult life, that i was not explaining myself well enough- that i couldnt seem to get ALL the thoughts in my head out fast enough and if you dont know me, you're only gonna get about half of it. there seems to be some sort of mind-reading that happens with my friends (GOD BLESS THEM) wherein they understand all the stuff "between the lines". i typically envision a conversation between my friends and i as one huge thought bubble where i read selected lines out loud and they are staring up, reading the rest and nodding "suuuuurre, ooookay anne".
so the podcast jay and i did wherein i stated my love for nathan fillion was not quite the truth, as i dont KNOW nathan fillion so i'm pretty sure i cant love him. . . it's more that i love who i think he might be OR it's just an amorphous, pop-culture dream world wherein a star and a happily laughing lump of dirt collide and become entranced. . . mmmmmm.
also, i dont REALLY believe i would have sex with ANY star just for the sake of saying "yeah, i had sex with him". if you know me at all, you know i'm exceedingly "bawdy" on all fronts and also exceedingly reserved and private when it comes to things like sex.
AND i made scathing remarks about scientology, but i MEANT that i wont have anything to do with ANYONE who espouses a religion based on hate and then LIES to an unknowing public with a smiling face, which is what most scientologists do because let's not kid ourselves here, that religion IS hateful and has a lot of hate-monger tendencies, just dig into their literature and there you'll find the big pile of shitballs that it sits on.

so is this just an apology blog entry, a backtracking, take-back-those-things-i-said RANT? maybe so. i'm just worried again that i may not be able to stay out of someone else's spotlight and i've never been one to SEEK it. i'm worried that we're all going to waste precious time making online friends without ever meeting them and that we'll ultimately all just be suckers for a pretty computer screen. i'm WORRIED that people wont HEAR me correctly, READ me right, that i wont be SEEN in the same light i see myself in- the rose-colored one! i'm FRIGHTENED that because we're faced with so many options these days, we'll forget to look in our own backyard for people who need help, or people who need a friend. . .

it's a scary place out there, one i'm excited daily to be a part of, but i get the impression we're all being forcibly led down a path that looks great- it's got that nice little gingerbread house at the end, and NO ONE BUT NO ONE is leaving behind bread crumbs!

just a general generic post for you

2007-07-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

it's been a while, i know. in the past month or so since i last posted, i've had one cat die and gotten another cat. otherwise, nothing has been going on. linnea and i are still getting used to each other and how we live, but for the most part, it's been the best thing for me, moving to w'loo. everyone has made fun of me for going to "unsafe, armpit of america" waterloo, but i think it's WAY better here than CR, a TON more stuff to do in the greater waterloo/cedar falls area. as i was looking for fun things to try in a new city, i was stunned to find out that not only does this area have the college theater stuff, it also has THREE different theaters showing year-round. as soon as school starts, i'll be going attending a lecture series through the University AND there's always Live from Studio One, which is on my list.
i'm happy to be here and havent been posting because nothing is going on that i will be writing about on this blog (you know, there's always personal, intimate stuff, but that you'd have to call or visit me for!)

i hope you are all doing well and that everyone is happy!

irish babies? travel with kids?

2007-06-02T17:46:00.001-07:00

where in this wide world shall i go?? because of medical reasons, my mother couldnt go to hawaii and now i am left with an $800 airline ticket. they are gonna want to know where i want to go and a DATE and i just dont know! any suggestions? I was thinking i'd travel sometime in early fall, september. . . maybe ireland? it seems to me that i should take a trip to europe, as the damn ticket would pretty much be taken care of. . . OR i could do a bunch of smaller trips in the US. . . hmmmmm. . .

congrats to greg and gretchen on the new baby, by the way! made my heart happy when i got the news!

k, i'm working and cant think much beyond that, but i thought i'd put it to a public forum- where should anne go this fall?

ferocious sassy attack kitty

2007-05-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

yeah, you know it. i have a new cat and i love cats! linnea and i went, like the animal lovers we are, to the shelter and picked a kitty out the other day and linnea brought him home today. i'm sure i'll have photos some day soon, but for now, understand that i have an attack kitty and he is LARGE AND IN CHARGE!

his name is buddha and he's HUMUNGOUSLY FAAAAT and totally calm, cool and collected. he's got a kinda reddish coat with an undertone of gray and SUPER cool yellow, creep-you-out-if-you-attack-me eyes.

linnea tried to take photos and he laid down and proceeded to do his best "sex-kitten-porn-star" modeling moves. she went crazy, but i laughed A LOT. the damn cat wouldnt stop til she put the camera away! so we now have slightly blurry phone-cam photos. . .

i love buddha. he's my newest favorite bud.

whiskey tango armpit of america

2007-05-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

wow, it's been a while. i've been INSANELY busy and completely stressed out, but am now in a calmer place, mentally and physically, and have some time to blog. so. here i am with a quick post before my computer loses all batt'ry power and i must go looking for my plug-in in the large PIT of a townhouse i'm currently living in and trying to unpack. . .

i have made it to w'loo all in one piece, minus a broken desk and some small things left in marion that i have to pick up this week. i've been off work since thursday and moving since then. i lived for a week on mom's couch and had a complete breakdown the third day, as "sleeping" is a term not be used in conjunction with the term "mom's couch", and we ALL know how i get when i'm tired. . . jay bore the brunt of that particular outburst!

i am unbelievably relieved to be someplace safe as compared to the old apartment, as about 3 weeks before i moved, i got NEW neighbors that, like the last neighbors, had me in my apartment at night, not willing to go to sleep for fear of being invaded by rapists/killers. the new neighbors werent much better than the last, as the girlfriend (17, pregnant, still smoking) came to my door after being beaten by the boyfriend so she could use my phone (no phone, no pots or pans, no car, no jobs) to call a friend. . . refused to call the police. . . ended up with the police coming out twice in 2 days. . . something about a gang was mentioned. . . i packed up my bag and went to mom's and then moved, GLADLY.

so i'm here and would be happy to hear from you guys as i'm a little lonely. despite linnea's best of intentions, she's still living with nathan and has her own life that doesnt involve keeping her sister company. i've been happily painting and unpacking and getting my life "just so" and linnea has been over here and there, she and nathan have taken me to dinner and got me food, you know, all the stuff i needed to live for a week without any money, as i went broke moving.

drop me a line, give me a call, tell me you're coming to w'loo, i'd be happy to show you the things i know already- where barnes and noble is, where a nice little place to eat is, and a GRAND tour of the townhouse!

i love dave

2007-04-22T02:24:00.000-07:00

if you've never seen "dave the barbarian" on the disney channel, you prob'ly need to watch it as soon as possible. it's 425 in the morning and i'm just watching a lil TV, and peeing my pants laughing! any show with "the dark lord, chuckles, the silly piggy" as the main antagonist HAS to be GENIUS. so. check it out. that's my thought today.

turtles, like me, write poetry slowly

2007-04-11T03:10:00.000-07:00

ha! that makes me laugh every time i see it!

why am i still up?!! i'm so tired. but i sat down at the computer, listening to some podcasts on jay's ipod and started dinking, which led to me rewriting more stuff and here's what i came up with . . . at 5 am.

Turtle

Today,
I saw a turtle on the side of the road,
Trying to cross four lanes of 80-miles-per-hour.
Sea turtles, I thought, don’t belong in Iowa.
It took me all the way to work to reference
The crust of ocean slowly moving across concrete,
The tears of natives having mixed with mortar and loss
To create these now life-giving arteries
Across plains once as pristine as pacific waters.
For easy understanding, I drove, pondered the displacement of turtles,
And the changing landscape of fields into towns
And concluded that the journey of the turtle was an utterly fantastic notion-
To go so slow, not even a walk,
But a small lurch onto hot pavement.
Can you possibly imagine?
Death comes barreling down at a speed you cannot begin to calculate,
Wrapped as you are in the safe cocoon of hard shell,
And true to form, you just keep mooooovingg.
Sllloooooowwwlllly crawling ,
Crunching across the highway,
Sloughing your way through animal instinct,
Incongruous and intentional, an oceanic force
Putting life on the line-
The middle line.
The side line.
The concrete, which is not the ocean,
The fluid aftermath still waiting to be seen.

To have the courage of the turtle,
Evolving deliberately at a pace that disallows winning.
But
The turtle lives up to three times longer than us,
So who won that race?

AND

Skywriting

I wrote my name across the sea,
flattened it,
pushed it out,
a pulsating, undulating,
latent cross-referenced word in BOLD script;
a name that trips off tongue and
easily sways on waves moving in forward motion-
2 swells up, and 1 swell back.

I penned my name in the tsunami of written words on white beaches,
Criss-crossed with the detritus of sloppy handwriting.
A missed letter later,
Your name became, instead,
Ward,
Wars,
Oars for rowing on the crests of slow handwritten poetry.

I wrote my name in sky,
A far-flung cry and
unsteady flight of kites,
a movement back, refract this light.

I wrote it and allowed for the slightest breeze,
the smallest motion,
the most
in.crem.ental.
movement across your stones.

I have traveled farther and
strained against these chains harder than my name, in gilded cage, could sing.

I wrote our names on sides of mountains,
carved them on backyard,
peeping-tom trees,
slid them between pages of books,
in the white between the words we write,
the same names I wrote on skin to mark the love I’m in.

I laughed your name over delicate tongue,
Touched my lips on the first letter of love.

I threw our names benevolently down side streets-
meaning, I greet strangers with your name in my eyes.

This is the soft murder of our epileptic dialect
whose accent only you and I remember and still speak,
a dead language reincarnated with each glance.

This world is not large enough for the shout I have on my throat,
it cannot contain the one nuclear mushroom bloom I hold within me,
simplicity in a word,
a name-
my name, your name, our name for “together”-
the power in a truth I hold dearly and merely write,
emblazoned like flame,
translucent like air,
ever present like water,
and continuous like earth,
elements now speak your name back at me
through this solidly ephemeral motion of ink on paper.

vivid displays of deadly lightning

2007-04-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

i saw the title to this blog post on TV the other night, scrolling across the bottom of the screen during a thunderstorm and for some reason, i cant seem to get it out of my head! i absolutely loved it and actually sat up STRAIGHT on my couch (from that reclining position i had slowly molded into the cushions) and laughed outright.

aside from my choice TV reading, i have been working and feeling a general sense of impending doom and the notion that somehow, i have actually gone 'round the bend . . . and i'm not riding 6 white horses when i come. . . well, mostly not. oh wait! that's " 'round the mountain"!! you catch my drift.

it's my day off and i must say, i always have the best of intentions on my days off- either i plan on running around and taking care of the business of living, you know- paying bills, getting hair cuts, buying shoes, seeing friends i havent seen all week- that junk. AND every day off, i end up being sidetracked by something else entirely. and this time, it was an impromptu trip to w'loo to check out some apartments and see linnea and nathan. i am happy to say that linnea did me proud and absolutely listened to my concerns and needs in regards to a place to live in w'loo and has found a FANTASTIC townhouse! so, i'll be moving up there with ma soeur at the beginning of may if everything goes according to plan.

AND SPEAKING OF PLANS! let me just say that i am of the mindset, in my day-to-day, that i should really only do one of any given thing. for example- i should only work once (so swing shifts are absolutely off the table) and that i should only see one person/group of people OR do only one "fun" thing outside of my apartment. i am not opposed to eating numerous meals or watching numerous movies, reading numerous books, etc. howEVER- i feel that on any given day, i shouldnt have to do anything more than once that requires any level of human interaction. . . and that's why i'm a hermit and an introvert, to be sure.

that said, in the next month, i have (in order by weeks):
1. a trip to spring green, wisconsin and the dickeyville grotto planned with mateo and rob on the 17th of april.
2. a trip to chicago with mark, chad, alan, and jay (me and 4 gay guys. . . every girl's dream!) on the 18-20 of april for fun art museum/planetarium viewing. i am TOTALLY jazzed about this!
3. a trip to st louis to see laura on the 21-23 of april.
4. pack up everything i own on the 24th of april.
5. a trip to des moines so that i can do my supervisory duties and train more people to type daily on the 30th of april through may 4.
6. a move to w'loo on the 7-8 of may.
7. a trip to hawaii on 16-20 of may.

and then i plan on SLEEPING for 2 days straight.

this is not a schedule conducive to my well-being emotionally and i'm fairly certain i will snap at loved ones in the next month- so be warned. i love you all dearly, but this is a schedule only my mother would love. . . literally- we all know maridee is the queen of packed schedules and she'd probably drool over this one. i am feeling, honestly, an ounce of trepidation as i stare off the cliff of this month and no small amount of fear at the idea of going to an island in a PLANE.
OVER AN OCEAN.
FILLED WITH SHARKS.
TO AN ISLAND.
THAT'S REALLY A VOOOOLLLLLCCCAAAAANOOOOOOO.

WITH MY MOTHER.

the upshot of all of this traveling and the prospect of dying either in a fiery plane crash, a fiery car crash, being eaten by sharks, or being overtaken by a lava flow is that i feel a compelling urge to:
1. wish i had quit smoking or never taken it up and gone to a gym in the hopes of becoming a better swimmer/runner, thereby escaping the aforementioned shark attack/lava overtaking.
2. take a very strong loofa to my callused feet and dry toes, as i will inevitably have to wear sandals in the cute manner of women everywhere on a tropical isle. there's no hope for the bathing suit at this point, but as god is MAH WI'NESS- i WILL have beautiful FUCKING FEET!

whew. a vivid display of deadly lightning, if i do say so myself.

happy trials . . . trails to all of you and to all a good night!

a recommendation and a thank you.

2007-03-28T14:35:00.000-07:00

I have some big thoughts for you today. . . well, they are big thoughts to me anyway- some of them new and some of them things I’ve been “percolating” for a while now.

Last night, jay, alan and I went to a book signing/reading at Prairie Lights in Iowa City. Alan had gotten the book “Mississippi Sissy” sometime last week and has spent the rest of the week excited about the signing/reading and excited about the book in general. One thing I absolutely love about Alan is that when he reads something, he READS something. He never once has told me about a book he was reading wherein he didn’t have something interesting to comment upon. He’d been telling me about this book and the background of it and the writer for a week, and I was pretty jazzed about seeing the reading. . . okay, I was jazzed until I realized it was in Iowa City and let’s face it, sometimes on my days off, I am lazy and don’t want to leave my bed. So I told them I wasn’t going and then changed my mind because I kept thinking “anne, you can’t just spend your day in your apartment. Go out- do something interesting”.

So we trekked to Iowa City, Alan’s book in hand for signing. And I was pleasantly surprised. The reading was fantastic- I mean, the actual READING- the author, Kevin Sessums, is a born performer and if you ever get a chance to go to a reading of his- definitely do so, it’s absolutely worth it.

He was articulate and thoughtful and funny and let’s just say it- a total cutie that I could easily have put in my pocket and taken home to make soup for.

And here’s where I made myself proud. We saw Kevin leave and we left ourselves (we left ourselves. . . right there, at Prairie Lights. . . I’m still looking for me). We saw him across the street at an ATm
and decided, on a whim, that we should ask if he wanted to go for coffee. The upshot was that we spent a half-hour, 45 minutes (my timing might be off- it usually is) talking with the author of the book and generally being a little star-struck, as this man has a book on the NYT best seller list, is an editor for Vanity Fair, etc.

so my big thought process here: I’m just really proud of myself. Do you ever have moments in your life where you realize that the other people involved in that moment probably didn’t take as much away from it as you did? This was more than likely the case with Kevin Sessums and myself, but it made me realize that I keep myself wrapped in a comfort zone that is FAR more extensive than I ever thought. Just talking to this man and realizing the far-reaching life he leads (which I’m sure he doesn’t believe), made me realize how small the scope of my own has become. I was absolutely proud of myself, Alan, Jay and Rory (who met us at the event) for taking a step outwards. I ended up walking away from that encounter with a newfound sense of confidence in my own ability to meet people and be likable. Of course, I think I’m pretty likable, but my scope of people to meet has been limited by my work circumstances and let’s face it- by how small Iowa is.

In the course of our conversation, Kevin spoke briefly about being worried about an Iowan audience’s reaction to his Deep South patois and the reading of it- would we understand? Be receptive? Think his work was funny? And I replied with something about the typical Midwestern stoicism and that we were, in fact, with him 100%. That made me think of my own “stoicism” and reserve- the small ledge I perch myself on in hopes of not being pushed off too far or too fast. If I had had my druthers, I would have hugged the man and told him I would make him soup any day of the week. I think I shot myself in the foot because of that Midwestern reserve- there were so many things I would have been altogether too happy to speak with this man about and I held back for fear of being seen as intrusive or impertinent (which is a wonderful word and makes me think of naughty, naughty schoolgirls- you impertinent saucy girl!).

One of the things I would have spoken to him about was the story he told about his mother and the word “sissy”. In an incredibly intimate moment between the author and the audience, he spoke of his mother making the word “sissy” something to be proud of and not ashamed of. She spoke of the muscles in the S’s, how straight and proud the “I” stood and the welcoming arms of the “Y”. Kevin rightly cried, as his mother died soon after, and I cried- not only for the beautiful memory in what sounded like a childhood of hurt, but also because I understood perfectly the sentiment. I have long thought that my love of language comes not only from the rhythm of the sentences, but the appearance of the actual letters. In keeping with Kevin’s mother’s thoughts- the pregnant belly of the lower case “b”, or the sleazy, slithery nature of the “Z”. I am in love daily with the notion of letters as art- the penstroke as an extension of the artistic endeavor. I would love to one day do HUGE paintings of letters and words – WORDS as ART. Though nothing can really come between my first and neverending love of the black word on white paper in a news print font, I have truly always believed in the notion that words are visually pleasing and have something to say on their own- just the symbols of the letters evoke something visually stimulating.

I also wanted SO BADLY to talk to the author about reading the text as opposed to speaking the text. I have frequently thought that unless you can read it out loud for an audience, your OWN written word doesn’t come to life for you, the writer. When I hosted the poetry nights, I couldn’t wait to get up and let the words drip off my tongue, fill up the room, not just the white between spaces on the page. I frequently imagined myself as a dictionary, open and words flying out, filling space. The joy reading my words aloud afforded me was something I sorely miss since the poetry nights have stopped. I wonder sometimes- is it art if there is no audience?

He also spoke of being molested as a child and in a stunning insight – and maybe it was stunning to me, as it hit upon the exact right word- he said that molestation doesn’t leave the victim with a sense of guilt, so much as a sense of complicity, that you were complicit in the act. That word seemed to float through the crowd and settle in my heart, that that was exactly right. That’s how it feels. Complicity in something you weren’t sure about, but didn’t have to tools to become non-compliant. I have to thank him for giving me the gift of that word.

So I’m a little humbled and absolutely surprised and excited by the new experience we had last night. As I said, I know that encounters between virtual strangers is always a two-sided story and one story typically has something more to say about it, and I am fine with being that person this time. It meant a lot to me on many different levels and I am very happy and grateful, Kevin agreed to come along for some coffee!

I highly recommend picking up Kevin Sessum’s book, Mississippi Sissy. I have only heard his reading and from what I’ve heard, I’m looking forward to sitting down with it and enjoying the underlying message of hope that I heard so clearly last night.

dot and oprah

2007-03-19T13:26:00.001-07:00

quite possibly the funniest sketch i've seen on TV!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtJrlpYZ6H4&mode=related&search=

wake the hell up!

2007-03-15T18:53:00.000-07:00

so through a series of unfortunate and altogether unplanned moments (and isnt life ALWAYS like that?- with the exception of those times when it's a series of unpredictably HAPPY moments), i got really, really pissed today. and it was mostly with my boss and work. there's an upside and a downside to working at home. on the plus side- no one KNEW i was pissed and i was able to calm down before i burned bridges and quit. downside- i was pissed because of a lack of communication caused by the fact that. . . i work at home. so a juicy piece of irony for you to sink your teeth into.
as i was busy being pissed, ANOTHER series of eye-narrowing, hair-raising events happened to make me think about something. and here it is:

if you are currently involved in a friendship, relationship, family dynamic where you have said to EVEN ONE PERSON other than the person you're talking about:

"You don't know ___(insert name here)____ like i know ____(INH)_____. They are really a good person . . . AT HEART. With me, they are totally different."

JUST LEAVE.

there are people out there, myself included, who act pretty much the same with everyone they are with. and it's called "emotional maturity". of COURSE we have certain things we do with certain people and some people fill some needs while others dont. but i am SAYING- if you have to defend your loved one with the statement above, your loved one isnt on the up-and-up. why would someone choose to be more loving to you and not to the rest of the world? OR why would someone choose to only let you "understand" them? what does that say about them? it says that they are unable to be open and honest in all areas of their lives and making excuses for their poor behavior based solely on the fact that "you know them best" isnt helping.

i am certainly not perfect, but i am telling you- in any given situation, i will try to do the most loving, the most ethical, and the most considerate thing. and you can all chuckle at this, as i am a little crazy and sometimes, my ethics dont mesh with yours, BUT they are based ENTIRELY upon being honest, being loving and being real.

why did i think of this? an entirely random and offhand comment i made to laura and the HILARIOUS comment she made back to me, which i wont repeat, but it was DAMN funny!

and in THAT moment a few conversations i've had in the past 2 weeks came to interconnect in a way that made sense to me, so i give you my thought for the day.

just because you "know" someone better than someone else doesnt make their behavior all right.

i want a poet, or maybe just some CAKE!

2007-03-10T13:51:00.000-08:00

so i highly recommend going back, if you're creative at all, and looking at your work, whatever the medium. . . maybe re-writing, painting, whatevs. i am falling in love with writing and myself again and for the first time. . .

here's another one i rewrote and tweaked and like better than ever.

I Want a Poet
Sept. 2005

The act of ink
On skin,
Which is akin to kisses,
Black saturation of strokes on precious peach arm.
This penstroke on arm is my signature-
Spiky black lines sinking in(to)
The soft veins between follicles until
It all bleeds together,
Connections you can see.

I want a poet like this.
Someone to make my mark a solid line and look,
A blink, a winking sigh later,
This line is not unlike me or mine.

I want a poet, not a poem,
Nothing beyond encompassing sight.
I want a poet who understands I am all bold lines, creeping outward,
Contained by casing I had no choice but to accept
(put your tongue on my written word, taste my tincture, savor these scratches.)
I want a poet not afraid to delve deeply, in.to.me.
I want a poet who would be a lover. Of me.
Someone to spend the span of years studying,
Starting poems and scrapping them,
Because I am never finished;
Those lines always bleed out of longer and into farther,
The half life a thing of the past,
Reaching beyond the stars I represent with each thought.

I want a poet like this:

A strong voice resonant with diasporic languages,
Delighted by my flights of fancy.

I don’t want a poet, I am in need of a poet,
One who mixes my metaphors,
Stutters into and around my daily amorphous, slightly scar-studded diadem.
One who pronounces my pronouns correctly,
Who verifies my verb tense on blue days,
A poet who’s smiles are similes,
Who’s adjectives are adjunct to my dysfunction.

I want symphonies of poetry
Singing gladly with each new stretch of my imagination.

(if you can see why angel food cake bracelets are a good idea, then you’re the poet for me.)

I want a poet who never minds my mind,
Who finds the climb up my mountain
A journey worth the walking.
I want a poet who flickers out and in the next moment,
Burns brightly because I am still a beginner at loving right
And sometimes, I like the lights. Off.

I want a poet who’s a friend,
Someone who loves me beyond all self-made boundaries
And to that end-
Won’t find the skin I’m in unsightly,
But will see the mind-full poem sitting pregnant at the heart of me.

rewind, rewrite

2007-03-08T06:55:00.000-08:00

so i went back over this poem and rewrote it and now, it's absolutely one of my favorites. whaddya think?

Kendra
2005

we all go lookin’ for wishin’ flowers.
The adult horizon,
Which will move mountains,
Battle the impossible odds of oceans,
And dream of god’s light stretching across fields of stars,
this horizon seems limitless,
beyond all attaining,

But she laughs her way down parking lot edges,
Begs me to
“watch an eye out” for her
because she knows no one likes lonely journeys.

So I watch. And listen.
And my eyes search constantly for anything not related to wishin’ flowers
As she blithely skips to a beat heard only in her heart.
We are delighted by her find-
One, two, three, five, ten wishin’ flowers held by little hands,
Seeds blown softly into humid breeze by lips made for smiles.

The wishes are wishes for other people-
Wishes that hurricanes will stop,
That mommy will feel better tomorrow,
That I will hug her RIGHT NOW, regardless.
And one, of course, for the “Africa people”,
That they will realize they need to put clothes on.

These are the wishes adults fear to waste on others.
But when you’re 6,
Wishes grow as seeds to be blown, harvested as more wishes,
Cycles, like the one she had to leave behind in the interest of a better life.
Mommy saw opportunity here and came from the deepest southern reaches to
Reach for the wishin’ flowers of adults- a job, a home, an education.
We could call this girl and her wishes refugees,
Having come from intentional oppression,
But for her mom, in search of Better,
These are the wishes of good people.

Mom learned a woman’s wishes-
That life will be better,
That her daughter grows up strong and smart,
That her sister won’t forget their mother;
A wish that wishin’ flowers were never-ending,
Something like hope. Or faith.
Wishes on summer days when girls giggle,
Run away on long legs and shout back
“watch an eye out for me!”

this woman’s wishes are seeds drifting on starry skies,
sent out in letters written to my own beat.
Wishin’ flowers and poetry are my stock in trade,
Something floating across loving eyes
And held in the movement of tears.

This is how my heart sings-
In simple movements between most Beloved,
In the small whirlwinds made by a mother’s daughter,
In the white between words,
And in the quiet gray of wishin’ flowers.

meeeee and my maaaaaaaahcia!

2007-03-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

here's me and my pal, marcia. this is one of the only photos i've seen of myself in the last 5 years that i genuinely enjoyed- totally captured the friendship, the moment. . . makes me happy. i also think we look like big lesbians, which makes me laugh. jay took some other photos that day, but this was the best, i feel.

okay, so this may be an "add-on" post that i work on throughout the day.

as i was making my morning PB&J (betcha didnt know that about me- i make a PB&J almost daily to tide me over until i can actually sit down and EAT), i had this thought:

Whatever happened to the kid who played Chunk in Goonies? I'm sure laura will tell me, but on the off chance she doesnt see this- let me know.

do you see how my brain works now? peanut butter. . . chunk. . . mmmmmmmm. . . goonies goodness. i would hate to do that dance he had to do- what was that? anyway. back later, i'm sure.

$2,176

2007-02-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

so i just saw this on yahoo! news and once again, i am just flippin' STUNNED at the stupidity.

so evidently, there was this family at a zoo in China (yep, you know where this is headed already. . . kids, zoos, wild animals kept caged and PISSED at their lot in life) and they decided to take the zoo up on their offer to take a photo of their family WITH a circus tiger.

now you may ask yourself, where's the harm in that? what was their FIRST mistake? ummm, if ANYone asks you to take a photo with a TIGER, at least pause and consider the life-threatening ramifications if that tiger, say, decides to ATTACK WHEN THE FLASH OF THE CAMERA goes off!

so they lost their 6-year-old girl because this happened. and i am just FLOORED at the major stupidity of not only the zoo/circus, but also the family. did no one THINK before doing this?

i am telling you now, you will NEVER get a christmas card photo of me, my family or friends beside ANY wild animal- and certainly not a bear or a tiger.

duh, i say. just DUH.

i'm just not sure why these people insist upon treating animals as anything OTHER THAN an animal!

THEN, i found another article when i went out onto the web looking for gruesome photos of this girl being attacked by the tiger, because let's face it, i am one sick puppy (which is also an animal- stop calling it your CHILD!), i found a story about a 5-year-old girl who had been mauled about 7 years ago by a tiger in much the same way. the chinese zoo/government gave her something like $2,176 for her trouble. what an odd and arbitrary amount of money to give to someone. i wonder what she'll do with that HUGE amount- maybe get a portion of the scars removed?

so, here's my advice for today- DONT take photos with wild animals unless there is a very strong fence up between you. . . . oh, and dont go on safaris that dont include a very strong roll bar and tranquilizer guns. (see also: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/16022007/1/reuters-quickcut-berserk-elephant.html)

be wary of . . .

2007-02-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

why oh WHY did chelle have to tell me the story she told me yesterday? WHY? one more thing to be worried about.

so evidently, in the apartment complex where she lives, which will remain nameless, though it has had to do with st. pat's day, someone has developed a new and quite frankly, ingenious way of stealing. the apartments arent built out of the best materials and one of the tenants, having realized this, decided to CUT A HOLE in the wall adjoining their neighbor's apartment. they went THROUGH said hole and proceeded to rob them blind and then, they moved. . . well, i suppose they did this on the last day of having the apartment and left before the neighbor could get home. either way, that place is owned by the same people who run my place and i am LOSING MY MIND. every time my back is turned (which is a lot, since my computer faces a corner at the "top" of my apartment), i'm sure my neighbors have cut the hole and are now standing behind me with large ice picks, shivs, pipes, whips, you name it, ready to torture me.

she looked concerned about telling the story and she should have been - i know that most of you dont live in a constant state of fantasy and really, i dont in terms of a lot of things. it's just that sometimes, when it's quiet and i dont have a lot in my head, i start to think "WHAT IF?" and then i'm screwed.

all i'm saying here folks, is if you see a saw coming through your wall- call the damn police! dont wait for explanations, they are coming for you!

quote for you

2007-02-09T08:25:00.000-08:00

"A noble person attracts noble people, and knows how to hold on to them."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

See also: Ayn Rand, "Atlas Shrugged"
See also: Any of Goethe's works, just for how amazing his writing is.

See also: Blog to come, with more on this topic.

what to do what to say?

2007-01-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

What is there, really, to say? you know me. i know you. and so, this promises to be a boring post.

aside from various and sundry dramas NOT of my making (or my choosing), i have only one thought to impart this evening:

no matter how well you think you know someone, they will always be leading a double life.

(how's THAT for cryptic?!! HAA!! i just thought of it. think about it- it's kinda true. dont you always do stuff different if you're alone?)

anyway.

my mom isnt drinking soda any more because she's worried she'll get brain cancer from aspartame.

my neighbors now check with me to see if they are being too loud.

my sister calls me to tell me random and meaningless things that always make me want to go live with her and nathan if that's what they sit around thinking about.

that's it for today.

two parts madness

2006-12-30T13:52:00.000-08:00

holidays. did you think i'd type about anything else, really? it's the breaking news story for most of us. . . unless you count saddam being hanged, which i'm still feeling my way through. i understand the reasoning behind it, but i'm still having trouble with the idea that i still live in a world where people are HANGED, where entire nations of women are so demoralized and abused that they would rather BURN themselves to death than live on in the manner to which they are accustomed. within the holiday cheer, we forget about people starving, dying, and in some ways even worse- living in conditions we can only begin to comprehend. i'm getting the sense in the past year or so that we are all connected in ways we dont understand will probably never fully grasp, and the fact that the majority of one entire nation can be so immersed in gluttony while the majority of ALL OTHER NATIONS are starving, well, this cant be a good thing for the energy out there. i really THINK, people, that all of this conflict, inner and outer, is creating something larger than any of us can possibly understand- something that affects our physical world- something that will cause great change for the worse if we dont STOP. . .

rambling. i know. probably dont make sense.

okay, it's a fully fledged idea i have and one i am too too lazy to actually write down at the moment. i've written about it before- the idea of COLLECTIVE UN-CONSCIENCE as opposed to COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUS. . . something to think on, PLUS i love the word play.

as for me and my holiday season, all went well. unbelievably busy with 3 days of family and friends, all moments packed, but ultimately really nice- maybe the nicest holiday i've had in a long time. no one fought. no one was too terribly interested in the gifts as much we were in the company, which is the way it's supposed to be. . . of course, i liked all the food, too, but the company was the best.

had the brodsky dinner saturday night- jews and christians (and me) coming together for food, wine and general hilarity- cant get better!
got up on sunday morning and went to granite city buffet with mom, linnea, jack, kirstin, matt, jay, alain, and kenny (matt's oldest friend).
went back home with linnea after brunch and cleaned out my closet -gave her a TON of clothes i either never wore or only wore to LB.
went back to mom's and watched "dominoe" (only my family watches a movie about a bounty hunter on christmas eve day) and generally chilled til church. kirstin and i sat in front of the cranberry chutney for like 2 hours and made fools of ourselves shoveling that stuff in our mouths! had an epiphany moment on christmas eve, went to church, cried a little, chad came over and we talked til late.
got up and went to mom's for gifts and breakfast (baked eggs with bacon. . . . hmmmmm).
went to see "dreamgirls" with jay, alain, mom and mary (jay's mom). UNBELIEVABLY GOOD MOVIE- i recommend seeing it.

all in all, a great holiday AND i came out of it with a PLAN, an epiphany, good feelings towards my brother, kirstin, linnea, mom, jay, alain, chad, linnea and most importantly- myself.

i hope your holidays were just as great.

just a little anne

2006-12-13T17:00:00.000-08:00

i've been in a foul mood lately . . . as poor chad can attest to. . . okay, so maybe not FOUL, but definitely impatient and somewhat cranky. i dont know why this is, it just seems to have happened. it might be because i spend so much of my time alone, i have little to no patience with the rest of the world when i do emerge from my self-imposed exile. . . WHICH i like, thank you very much.

GOD! i loooooooooooooove my own company! i love it that i dont have to please anyone other than me (not that i HAVE to do that in public, but you catch my drift). i love it that no one is there to interrupt my thoughts. AND i love it that i have such amazing and wonderful friends who will, at almost a moment's notice, drop what they're doing to come and do stuff with me when i am feeling like getting away from my own company, because let's face it people- no one can spend 24/7 with ANYone, yourself included- it's not good for you.

why am i telling you (and strangely enough, MYSELF) this? because i'm pissed at someone and have been for a while and i want to make sure i know in my heart of hearts that i have a really good life and it's made better by the fact that that person isnt IN it. and it's just today that i feel pissy. some fluke of nature that i'd even be thinking about it, really.

so my life is good. and anger never got anyone anywhere except straight to the doctor for pills to make them happy OR to get rid of that nasty stomach problem. and wishing to hurt other people gets us no where, either. . . unless you LIKE being violated in prison.

whew. here's my happy picture for today:

ahhhh, the gift that keeps on giving. . . sarcasm.

2006-12-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

Let's chat about christmas giving and gifts. . . .

i'm not interested in what YOU want to get me.

i'm not interested in the fact that YOU think gift cards arent any fun.

if YOU want to get ME a gift, just go out and get EXACTLY what i told you to get me. i'm not frivolous. i dont ask for frivolous things. i asked you for what i NEEDED.

and how spoiled am i? you dont have to get me gifts and i dont have to get you gifts. i am just completely fine with going out and spending the money i would have spent on all of you ON ME instead- that way i would get what i WANTED and not what you decided i needed, nevermind that it's not something i specifically TOLD you was needed.

blech. i love christmas. i really, really do. and i love birthdays. but i have a BIG problem with people asking me what i want for both and then said people just going out and getting something they like and they think i would like for me. . . . dont ask if you arent going to listen and then follow through. really. just say "oh anne, i got you a great gift that I love and that I think is great and it made no difference to me if you'll like it or not". and then i'll know what's in store.

GOD. oh just give gift cards. i LOOOOOOOVE gift cards. i love giving them. when i give a gift card, i'm saying to that person- "i respect you enough and think you're adult enough to get what YOU think you need and not what I think you need. "

i HEART gift cards.

so gift giving- always fun. gift getting- fun sometimes, fer sure.

and how many people out there dont have the luxury of
A. getting gifts?
B. having a computer to bitch about gifts?
C. having friends OR family to get them gifts, so that they can bitch about said gifts?
D. dont have fingers to TYPE their complaints?

it's just so sad.

so get me the gifts i ASKED for because so many people are missing out on getting gifts that i feel SURE they would want me to get the gifts i WANT. . . really people, you are totally robbing those people of being happy for me.

and now i most go and remove my tongue from my cheek and wash my mouth out with soap.

they're coming, make no mistake

2006-11-16T11:43:00.000-08:00

It just occurred to me that maybe i'll die from a bear attack. . .

mostly this occurred to me because i seem, lately, to be inundated with stories and glimpses of bears. . . . and not bears as in big leather-daddy gay men. i'm talking about REAL BEARS. and let me just say, they are scary things. no kidding.

today, let me just say that if you ever come face-to-face with a bear, ESPECIALLY a grizzly bear, you should pretty much give up the ghost and resign yourself to meeting your maker in what could possibly be one of the scariest and most painful ways possible- staring into the gaping maw of a grizzly bear and smelling the rotten meat smell coming from the LAST hiker it consumed.

and following THAT pretty thought, i'd like to chat about the INSOMNIAC bears of russia. yes, it's true people, just when you thought winter was safe from bear attacks, winter started getting shorter and warmer and NOW the bears are all confused and their biological, internal clocks need resetting because NNOOOOOWWWW, they DONT KNOW WHEN TO SLEEP!

let's hear it for fossil fuels, hairspray, ozone layers and global warming! WHOO HOOO!!!

and now we're all in danger from that vast army coming for us-

the ARMY OF INSOMNIAC BEARS OF RUSSIA.

forget the cold war. they've come up with something better.

you dont survive bear attacks. . . well, you CAN, but you dont survive with ALL YOUR EXTREMITIES.

i heart post secret

2006-11-02T13:35:00.000-08:00

so this is a postcard from "post secret" and it's probably my favorite of the ones i've seen, mostly because i was just thinking about this the other day. so i'm pretty sure i dont know anyone 400 lbs (of course, the numbers involved with weight are decieving, so i might), but i DO know overweight people, myself included and i was looking in the mirror the other day thinking that there's something pleasing about fat, something earthy and beautiful and not gross or distasteful at all. i look like i've lived, like i've eaten, like i've laughed and you can tell it in the curve of my belly and the dimples on my thighs. . . and i'm thinking about my mother, my sister, my brother, my friends and how we're all so smart and funny and kind and any extra fat makes us seem that much MORE smart, funny and kind.
i've been that woman at the gym trying not to just STARE wide-eyed and amazed at pudgy knees and the rooooolllll of fat from one curve to another, the long slide of beauty in the plump elbows down onto fingertips made for caring and nurturing. i've been that woman staring and wishing she could capture those breasts and belly for an eternity and turn them into something other people understand as well as we do.
this postcard makes me proud. it makes me think that all hope in humanity isnt lost, really. it makes me happy to know that there are people out there who see the beauty in something so many others have condemned as unnatural and grotesque, but that is based solely in the hard ground of the earth and the soft waves of water.

2006-10-12T14:32:00.000-07:00

i was going to write a blog post called "the gay things my brother has done" in reference to a talk i had with a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless, as it was her brother and not mine), but really, i dont have any gay things my brother has done. . . what with him not being gay. i thought it'd be funny, though, no doubt.

aside from work stuff, which is just boring as hell, there hasnt been a lot going on here. i am caught up completely on sg-1 ALLLLLL 10 seasons, which is just frightening when i think about it, but then i have been known to read all 12 books of robert jordan's series over a month. . . so not so weird for me, but must seem slightly obsessive to all others. i just like to IMMERSE myself.

in my quest to finish all 10 seasons (well, all episodes aired, as season 10 isnt done yet), i have discovered the rather dubious joys of the ipod craze. jay, who loves me immeasurably and whom i love in like manner, downloaded the remaining episodes onto his ipod and has let me take it to watch. . . and i dont get it, even for music. i dont NEED constant noise in my head. i cant imagine what i'd actually DO with an ipod. jay keeps asking me if i listened to any music on it and i keep shaking my head in confusion. and do what? i'm just gonna sit there and listen to music? i dont think so.

either way, i am happy to report that there is virtually no drama in my life and i continue to get new fun perks with my job. . . well, new fun responsibilities, i should say. i'm off to des moines again this next week to train a class of newbies, which means the tedium of typing is broken up.

that's it for now. . . and if i can ever write my blog entitled "the gay things my brother has done" be certain you'll be the first to know.

the tide is turning and not on the side of good

2006-10-05T13:19:00.000-07:00

i would just like to say that it's a sick and twisted world when people starting shooting amish kids.

thought for my week.

imagination

2006-08-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

i never did get around to finishing my list. here's the abbreviated version:
Stargate Atlantis: I love it WAYYYY more than i should and now, i am also addicted to sg-1. i hang my head in shame a little over these 2 shows, because they definitely show that side of me that LOVES a good fantasy.
Memoirs of a geisha and kiss kiss bang bang: Both good movies, though i would recommend KKBB any day over M of a G. . . just in terms of dialogue alone and quite honestly- go read the book, it's fantastic.
matt's house: IT'S VERY NICE. . . and too big for one person to ramble about in for 2 weeks.
jack's nude photos: Against my EXPRESS wishes, jay put these in his book and quite frankly, i'm not getting into it here when i havent really spoken to jay about it because it's pretty much a dealbreaker for me and i dont particularly want to give jay up, so we'll see what can be done. . . just not over blogs. also, it's not smart to bring up anything like "hey you're son posed for nudie photos and is on the internet being ogled by gay men everywhere" at a family dinner and expect that there WONT be a huge drama about it. . . although if you're me, you kinda love it.

that's my list.

today, though, i am thinking about how i made it through the first night in the bed angie died in. i dont think i'm crazy, but when i told my pals about this thought process, the overwhelming statement was "you are so crazy."
here's the thing: i just got really, really worried that i would either die in the bed (like it's cursed) OR that angie would try and contact me while i was on the verge of sleep to let me know HOW she died (as it's still a mystery) and that it was, in fact, a MURDER and then i would have to go find the killer or she wouldnt leave me alone and i would never sleep again. i was also worried about your standard "person-at-the-end-of-the-bed" sitch AND, of course, the "you-touch-the-bed-and-are-immediately-inundated-with-images-of-your-loved-one-laying-dead-ON-IT" scenario.

there's a reason i dont watch scary movies, people. they do damage to my brain. i DID tell angie last night (cuz, you know, i was talking out loud as i laid there) that if she so much as TRIED to wiggle the bed or slap my feet, i would HIGHLY unhappy and have jay come over and exorcise her sorry butt. i think she got the point. . . . either that or there was a great whoop of laughter from the other side.

so i'm still here, neurotic as ever.

stockholm and jonbenet

2006-08-24T16:13:00.000-07:00

so here's something i dont understand. . . and really, isnt that list getting bigger? "the neverending and somewhat amusing list of things anne-louise dugger DOESNT understand"

they found this girl in germany who had been kidnapped 10 years ago wandering aimlessly and confused in a garden somewhere in the aforementioned country. they said she had been kept in a cellar all those years and had a "severe case of stockholm syndrome". . . to the point that they essentially are keeping her in a room and deprogramming her for a bit. they say she had a moment where the guy who took her wasnt looking and she "escaped".

what i dont get is this- if she had a severe case of stockholm syndrome, why did she escape? what prompted that?

i shouldnt read the news. either i'm disgusted by it or i am so intrigued that i make myself sick knowing i wont ever be IN on the REAL story. . . it's like the jonbenet case- what's UP WITH THAT?! why cant i know the itty bitty details and all the stuff no one else knows?

it's KILLING ME!

the closest you'll get to me

2006-08-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

this is where i get personal. not about you, but about me. because i cant seem to make sense of this and i really, really want to. i have the feeling that if i dont get rid of this, it may cause me some serious problems with my mother especially (it's already started with her), but also with ME. i cant seem to wrap my brain around it.

so i cant go to college. . . or maybe you could say i CAN go to college, but i dont know how to do this and still be able to LIVE, in a financial sense. and maybe that's my problem- i am unwilling to do what it takes to actually just buckle down and pay that HUMUNGOUS bill my parents left me with after they promised to pay it. and i'm still a child because the unbelievable betrayal of that one act is something i'm having a harder time forgiving as i get older and realize that i will never live up to the potential i have without being in a situation wherein i can USE that potential, ie: Academia.

and it's making me cry at strange times in my day and i have a hard time sleeping, AND i have an even harder time listening to my mother as she tells me all the lengths she will go to to make sure someone ELSE gets into college, as that's her job.

i feel as though my mother has justified her utter betrayal to who i actually AM and who i could BECOME by telling herself that i got to go to hamilton for free and get a medical transcriptionist certification, all because of her and isnt it wonderful that anne now has a job she's alright with and doesnt mind doing. so it's fine with maridee as long as i'm not bothering her and she doesnt have to wonder what i'll do for money. settling anne is all important while i go ahead and make plans to spend money i could have used to get anne's college transcripts out of hock so she can be in a position to use her gifts.

yep. this is turning out to be a major stumbling block for me and i now see my mother, talk to my mother and everything she says, whether intentional or not, makes me think of the above paragraph. i want to scream and rail at her for doing this to me, but i know somewhere inside that i did it to myself as well, by thinking that anyone else would take care of it FOR me.

and i could just vomit when i hear her nicey-nice stories about other peoples' college educations and how she helped. and it's making me HATE hearing stories about how chelle's getting her degree in education and she feels like she was "born to teach" or how robin is starting school or anyone i love and appreciate doing ANYTHING they love to do. i want to be happy for them and i think i AM, i can be. i just dont know how to DO IT without thinking about all the things i lost and how i was TOLD those things would be mine. i should never have trusted 2 people who lived a lie for so long.

angie's party

2006-08-10T13:45:00.000-07:00

so this february, angie duwa died. and i'd be lying if i said it didnt completely throw off my internal homeostasis. . . meaning, my life got turned around a bit. when dad died, though it wasnt something i WANTED, it was something i understood- dads are supposed to die before you, and while it was much SOONER than expected, it was relatively easy to accept. and looking back and feeling the loss today, i am still of the impression that my father's death was one of the most beautiful and positive things that happened to me, ever.

as for angie dying, in many ways, it's just as acceptable in that death is acceptable and expected and honest. and it's an even easier grieving process with angie because she expected all of us to laugh and cry and mostly just laugh when we thought of her- it's what she did with almost everything, laughed about it and understood that life isnt so much a twisted, strange, relentless pagent of suffering with few highs. nope. angie understood that it can be SEEN as just that, but in reality, it's absurd and funny and random and painful and hilarious and at the end, our lives become memories of other people. she understood that our lives are not our own in the end and because of that, angie tried to be genuinely nice and caring and listened to everyone (though she did laugh quite a bit at our woes!) and cried with us if we needed and out-and-out belly laughed over the rest. i truly believe angie got it.

so she died and a couple of weeks ago, her family had a party for her where all of her nearest and dearest were invited to spend a few hours going through angie's stuff, eating angie's favorite foods and remembering our relationships with angie and with each other through angie. and it was truly a moving experience. it seemed rather morbid and somewhat like a scavenger party before i went- why do i want anything of angie's (besides her fabulous bed?!), but here's what her family did: they had all her stuff in the garage in boxes and we all sat around and passed things out and if something was yours that angie never gave back, you got it. if something was yours that angie had and you truly had no idea HOW she got it (and that DID happen!), you laughed about it and took it with you. if something of angie's had sentimental value to you, you got it and if someone else wanted the same thing, you each had to tell a story and whichever story was the best as decided by the rest of us, that person took said item home. it ended up being absolutely hysterical and i could swear, for a moment or two, angie was sitting in the back with me giggling over how we were all stumped as to why she had about 100 little plastic pins in the shape of pickles and heinz ketchup bottles. . . .

you hear people say they can feel their loved ones with them and i absolutely believe, now, that that is true. angie knows better than to do any freaky stuff to me because i have that whole schism in reality thing going on, plus i'm scared of the dark and a big chicken in general when it comes to supernatural stuff. but i understand the FEELING of someone you love, their energy, being there. and i get it as well that angie doesnt ever go away. it's a bone-deep understanding i have now and it makes the experience all the more real to me.

so thank you to jerry and kathy morrison for such a lovely party and thank you to angie for never really leaving.

wars and trains

2006-08-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

rriiiiight. so. where was i?

#3: Chronicles of Narnia, which i could take or leave as a movie, really. if you like kid's movies and you like fantasty (which i like both), then by all means- check out the coolest lion EVER.

nope, what i found fascinating about the movie happened in the first half-hour. . . of course, i did find the idea of a magical wardrobe fascinating. . . of COURSE i did- i am ever one for fantasy in any form. what i really found fascinating was that london sent it's children and infirm AWAY from london during the war. and it started me thinking about war and specifically wars today. i really think it says something about a society that recognizes, in an untenable position, that it's children may be unsafe and to selflessly send them to a safer place. . . and to think about the entire country realizing this and saying "yes, send the children, they arent safe", well. it makes me weep a little thinking about it. because what's the one thing that people say about the war in the middle east if you get anyone talking about it for a while? it's that no one can quite believe that the children are used as weapons of war and that if only people would love their children more than their religion, they wouldnt be at war. in looking at this situation, it becomes unbearable to me that a nation's future should be so overlooked and undervalued. . . and then i look more closely towards home and wonder about us.
it was also particularly poignant to me to see the trains filled with children and think about all the jewish children on trains at that time, as well, and to think about the remarkably different reception each nation's children received. it seemed striking to me and i have in my mind to one day write a story about it- parallels always make me happy.

okay, that's the only list item for today, as the next one is angie's party and if i start to write about that one, this entry will be too too long and we'll all be crying at the end. . .

laura comes to omaha tomorrow and then the fun begins. . . fun as in "anne and laura fun", which involves watching many, many episodes of stargate atlantis and the west wing on matt's obnoxiously huge TV and going to various and sundry restaurants to stuff ourselves and bring back leftovers to eat while we watch said shows. . . . WHOO HOOO!

along came a list

2006-07-23T13:06:00.000-07:00

well, if there was ever any doubt in my mind when i told people "i really just like my own company", there is none now. it's been a week since i've been in omaha and it's been me and the dogs. beyond going to the store and barnes and noble (which is a strange experience, since i've realized i just love the B&N in CR), i havent really spoken to anyone other than on the phone. . . and it's amazingly okay. of course, i AM looking forward to laura coming here in a couple of days, but for the most part, i like my own company. oh sure- so i talk to the dogs maybe more than i should (they ARE my new best friends) and yes, maybe i get a little paranoid at night, but mostly, i read and watch movies and that makes me so happy.

so here's my list of things i've been meaning to talk to you about:

1. stephen rinella, scavenger's guide to haute cuisine
2. everything is illuminated
3. chronicles of narnia- kids in london/trains
4. angie's party
5. stargate atlantis
6. memoirs of a geisha
7. kiss kiss bang bang
8. matt's house
9. jack nude photos

provoking, isnt it? mostly, i'd say #9 is provoking- what could it mean? jack is my NEPHEW- why am i going to talk about his nude photos, you ask? because i've realized something having read other people's blogs and compared my own to theirs. i'm not going to tell you every little thing that happens in my life. and i'm not going to show you photos and i dont have any grand creative writing. the things i've listed all evoked a thought process for me- about how we live, what we think about, what i think about, how we get along with our loved ones, friends, and family. that's it. it's all i've got and those are the things that interest me. hopefully, i'll write about these in an interesting manner, but otherwise, i'm not gonna give you some emotional plea, nor am i going to clinically lay out my days. i'm not gonna trash talk anyone or let you in on the inner workings of why i love some people and hate others. been there, done that, didnt work.

so #1: i happened upon this book about a month ago. really, i just impulse bought it because the premise sounded really cool and if you get the chance, i highly recommend reading it, especially if you're a liberal, artsy fartsy person who thinks hunting is totally not right and (like me) kinda icky.
it's called The Scavenger's Guide to Haute Cuisine by Stephen Rinella and the idea this guy had was based on the fact that he found a 100-year-old book by one of the most famous chefs in the world. the author is an avid outdoorsman and hunter and he realized that 100 years ago, this chef was doing basically what he does- dressing his own meat, "scavenging" his own ingredients from nature. there was no pre-packaged meat, no frozen veggies- just what you came up with from where you lived. so the author decides to give himself a year to find ingredients to three nights of 15-course haute cuisine meals and it's his tale of that year and how he goes all over america to get said ingredients. what it turns out being is a fantastic read and insight into a different way of living. i've never been one to find hunting all that exciting and certainly not dressing dead animals. some of the book IS gross to those of us who dont do anything like it regularly, but it shows a side of those who love to hunt that i never knew about. the reader comes away with an understanding that a lot of people who DO hunt are true environmentalists and love nature in a way that is far more convincing than the people who go on oprah and tell us to use different kinds of lightbulbs to save the environment. a majority of hunters in america today are not only trying to save vast populations of endangered species, but also living in a manner that, to put it tritely, is in a true communion with nature. and i ended up respecting the author and laughing at his trials as he tried to prepare this feast.
so that's my book report.

#2: Everything is Illuminated. whew. this movie knocked the air out of me, but in the best way possible. i highly,highly recommend renting it and get ready. i love it when movies are funny, thought provoking and at the end, you get the sense that all has been very nicely wrapped up into a nice gift and given to you. the thing about this movie was that you go along and you're laughing and you KNOW it's big, the message, but you dont feel yourself being pulled in and under until the moment of climax. so it's long and drawn out- a slow build and the climax of the whole thing is a quiet, deeply felt moment and you GET IT. after watching this movie, i began to wonder just how many places have been lost to us for the same reasons and my own bittersweet soul (the one i sometimes have to push down just to get through a day because i WILL fixate) just cried and cried at the beauty and the pain of it all. there's more to it, but i dont want to spoil it, so i leave you with my glowing recommendation.

and now i'm gonna stop and come back with another post in a day or so. we're gonna work up to my nephew's nude photos. teaser- my brother and sister-in-law didnt know about them, but i let it slip over dinner. . . hee hee. family fun.

moods

2006-07-08T20:15:00.000-07:00

"Some men see things as they are and say "Why?".
I dream things that never were and say "Why not?"'.

-Bobby Kennedy

why i cant live below the equator

2006-07-01T12:35:00.000-07:00

i am BORREEDDDDD. bored. and it's all my own fault, really. one of my dad's favorite sayings has always been "only boring people get bored" and i have to agree. i am one boring person. no joke. i dont think i could muster up enough "dazzle" to entertain paperweights. . . and it doesnt take much for them, let me tell you!

it's the heat. i'd like to take a moment and dig into this topic, as it is near and dear to my heart. there is no earthly reason why anyone should be outside in this heat, neverMIND the muggy aspect. that's just rancid topping to an already rotting cake, in my opinion.

i understand the need to bike, hike, etc. it's fun and there's always the possibility that you might get dirty, which as anyone who knows me knows, if there's dirt or gunk within a ten-foot radius of me, it's ON me. i'm not sure how that happens, it just does. case in point: i went to a movie the other day with chad (it was our "arent we having fun" day off, wherein we ate a ton and saw "the breakup"- a solidly good movie). anyway. there we were- walking in the aisle to get our seats, greedy hands full of popcorn, candy and pop (AFTER the humungous lunch at granite city, which i is one of my top 10 reasons i love chad- no one else will indulge in gluttony in quite the same way with me. . . . ) and i find the one discarded container of nachos with my foot. of course, i didnt know it at the time, but i had managed to get a large helping of nacho cheese (yes, that's nach-o cheese!) not only on my shoe, but IN my shoe and all over my foot, as i was wearing flip flops. again, i didnt realize this. i just felt something wet and thought it was pop, so i WIPED said foot on my favorite pair of crop pants, which are now STAINED for life. ( i dont particularly care, though, as it looks rather like paint, so i just look creative instead of a complete slob). i didnt get it until about a half-hour into the movie, when things just weren't drying in my foot vicinity. THEN i understood. yep. messy messy messy. chad just laughed. i suppose, after 17 years with someone, they cant do anything but laugh at the woman who is actually a dirty, slobby 5-year-old sitting next to them.

i digress. the heat. i moved into my apartment with the idea that i was NOT living in the ghetto, but have since realized, this is not a hard and fast truth. i do, indeed, live in the ghetto, except for this ghetto is a little nicer than other ghettos and no one tries to shoot me. . . . so far.

i come home at any time during the day or night and at least one, if not ALL, of my neighbors are sitting outside with their kids, their friends, sometimes with a beer and smokes (and i cant fault them for the smokes, really) and they are MAKING NOISE. . . a lot of noise. but it's not noise you can complain about. it's just the noise of living, talking, laughing. i dont usually mind that so much at any time of the day. my problem is that i have to walk through their various and sundry guests and children to get to my apartment. . . sometimes, even their food. i just want to come home, walk up my stairs, go into my apartment and pretend i'm not surrounded by the process of stupid people become more stupid. . . because let's not make this mistake- they arent the brightest birds in the trees.

i sound crabby, dont i? i mean, my neighbors, are for the most part, really nice people who try to be nice when i see them. i even have conversations with some of them on occasion. i know a little about their lives because i'm not completely antisocial. i just dont understand why it is that these people PAY RENT for a space that's air-conditioned and then insist on being outside for the hottest days of the year.

also with the heat come the people around the city who are out walking and biking and going to festivals in parks. again, dont mind these so much - in 70-degree weather with a light mist. i take umbrage to the fact that when i am trying to drive anywhere in the summer, i have to make sure not to hit pedestrians and the occasional biker, let alone try and get home in a timely manner when there's a "music in the heat, uh, PARK" thing happening in the park in marion.

i've become a hermit, i know. i AM that lady. it's just this HEAT. i dont get why people like this. give me an overcast, rainy day in the mid-60s and i am out and about, ready to go. . . except i dont have huge gatherings of happy people to mingle with. it's just me and i like it that way.

day 5 in omaha

2006-06-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

so i havent had actual human contact (well, besides the grocery ladies at the supermarket) in 5 days. . . and it's been a dream.

i cant say that i have any great stories or even any really great insights. i've been by myself for 5 days, almost 6, now and it's been stilling. i am stilled. stagnant, maybe, yes. but also so calm and quiet. i am finding it worrisome that i will have to be around people now, deal with what anyone else wants to do or wants ME to do. the best part about not seeing people for almost a week is that, after day 2, you realize you can do whatever you want and no one CARES.

what have i done for 5 days by myself in omaha? nothing. absolutely nothing. i havent gone out into omaha, as i've done that on numerous occasions with the brother and fam and, while i've enjoyed seeing everything omaha has to offer (surprisingly, quite a lot), i havent felt the need to do anything beyond read, watch movies and cook for 5 days.

do you know i can cook? i can. it's true. given a big enough kitchen, nice enough cooking utensils, i'm a whiz. i swear. i came into this week knowing i'd have a nice space to cook in and have found a few new, super-healthy recipes to add to my repertoire. honey/teriaki-glazed chicken, chicken with avocado/orange topping, low-fat ranch dip, asparagus with cashews, sesame seeds and honey, and my favorite thing EVER- frozen fruit salad with plain yogurt, pecans and honey. i will be eating this for breakfast and dessert for the rest of my life. count on eating it if you ever come to my home. yummm.

the movies i have watched this week include: van helsing, bruce almighty, mr&mrs smith, the incredibles, connie & carla, hellboy, blade 2. eclectic, right? i swiped some movies from jay's and after that, was at the mercy of my brother's movie tastes. i hadnt seen any of them besides connie & carla and i do love a good action/adventure flick, so i was pretty happy.

seriously. i really think you guys should try this. if you ever have the chance, go for 6 days with no human interaction beyond your phone. you wont believe how quiet your life and brain get.

beyond having nelson, the newest boxer at matt's house, *that's a dog, not an actual BOXER* stand at the side of the bed with a tug-o-war toy in his mouth when i wake up. . just staring at me and grunting (a truly unnerving experience as the mattress is on the floor), it's been an entirely uneventful 6 days. i've caught up on tv watching (did i need to catch up? no. BUT i have watched bravo nonstop a couple of those days and i just love those queer eye guys!) and my movie consumption for the next months. i am one happy girl.

doors

2006-05-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

in the following post i said mary oliver was my mother's friend who helped her out, but it was actually mary KNOWLES that i was thinking of. however, it all still holds true because really, mary k. would have said exactly what mary oliver said, i suspect. sorry for the confusion!

in my mother's house, if you dont already know this, there is a door that she lets anyone write on who is so moved. this door is the door to the bathroom and is rather convenient for writing on as you sit to do your bid'ness. and, of course, over the years, it's also become rather convenient if you want something edifying to read as you sit and do your aforementioned "bid'ness".

it has become a catch-all for favorite quotes, funny sayings, and mom's personal timeline of events happening. if you were to read each thing on there, you would know just what has happened in her house and where she's been and with whom at any given point in the last 6 years. you would know who got married, who graduated, who died, got promoted, new jobs, any "event" in the past 6 years. reading this door is like reading through the old family bibles with recordings of births, marriages, and deaths, except this is better because right beside "jack graduates! 2005" is something like "if only my crush boy knew"- put there at some point by myself or linnea in a fit of desparation that the world *somehow* know we were pining for some crush boy who now no longer matters.

it has become, i think, the voice of the house. it is the silent witness to countless laughs and endless tears. on that door, you can find a quote from almost anyone who has come into the house- which means you could probably find a quote from you! this door is our conscience. it is our shout out into an eternally darkening landscape. it becomes the lighthouse in times of emotional fog. when all here are gone, this door remains, bearing silent testimony to a life very well lived, indeed.

on this door is one quote in particular that catches my eye every time in go to the bathroom. my mother has a friend named mary oliver who she doesnt see nearly as much as she'd like, since mary, i believe, still lives in texas. i dont know how they met or for how long they've known each other. i DO know that mary was integral in helping my mother *get through* the divorce.

mary is the wild woman. she is the voice every woman i know hears late in the night, prodding us to laugh loudly, scream with passion over something as trivial as a blank wall. her voice is the voice that tells us not to care so much what others think, but to create, to live fully, to run alongside feral animals and drop carelessly, tongue hanging out, breasts flowing freely. mary's voice moved my mother into a place where she could see the grand revolution of divorce. she helped my mother to realize the inherent freedom in casting off her marriage and the downside that came with it. mary, i think, is the person who encouraged my mother to understand that a*true* wise woman needs no companion other than the earth and the comfort of nothing other than her friends.

mary asks us, on the door of my mother's bathroom

"what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?"

and i ask you that. i ask myself that, today. what ARE you going to do with this wild and precious, mostly messy in a food-fight fun kind of way, LIFE?

are you doing it now?

ohhhhh no he dih-ehnt!

2006-05-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

"I love you," Jackson told the cheering crowd. Then he whispered to his translator, apparently asking how to say the phrase in Japanese. Then he said: "Aishiteru!"

so this is where i wish i were a translator. . . .

here's the backstory to that quote taken, may i add, from yahooooo!'s news stories. you know- the ones they decide i need to read, as opposed to hard-hitting journalistic stories about the brangelina baby?

so michael jackson's been hiding out in japan since his acquittal on child molestation charges. and what is one of his first stops IN japan, after a few months of gathering that stiff upper lip he needs to face, unashamed, a world of people who love him, predator instincts and all?- he goes to, YES YOU HEARD IT HERE FOLKS!---- an orphanage.

in a stunning lack of foresight on the part of michael's publicist and trained staff of monkeys, they sent him straight back into the fire, as it were. what i find amazing about this is that we spend a lot of time tracking our predators on our special registery, and yet it is evidently alright for michael to just waltz out of our country and into another and start looking again in orphanages. no remorse there. no shame at having the world KNOW all about you. oh NO!!! not our michael. he's our lovable, slightly kooky, plays-with-children. . . at night. . . on sleepovers. . . in his pajamas. . . at his ranch. . . with a carnival, gotta-chuckle-when-he-gets-arrested-for-molestation-of-children BELOVED pop icon.

so i wish i were a translator. and i wish, were i in that situation, i would have had the balls to translate something that said "i love shopping for kids!" instead.

tater tots and cow brains

2006-05-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

wiiiiiilllllllllld mushrooms. . . couldnt drag me A-way. . . sing it and you'll see what i mean.

i love wild mushrooms. i love them WAAAY more than i love regular, store-bought, button mushrooms, WHICH i love A LOT. the problem, as i see it, with wild mushrooms has nothing to do with the regular reasons most people dislike mushrooms (they're fungus and they get slimy when cooked). nope. i like slimy fungus. the PROBLEM (and i stress this) is that wild mushrooms, once cooked, look for all the world like BRAINS. i had to close my eyes to eat them and even then, they were hard to chew.

did i ever tell you about how, when i was a kid, i wouldnt eat cottage cheese for the majority of said kid-hood because i became convinced one day that they had the exact texture and consistency of cow brains? you've never heard that story? well, there you have it. i dont know WHY i became convinced of this, having never actually eaten or, indeed, SEEN cow brains. that's just what my less-than-adult mind (dont say it. just dont. i DO have an adult mind NOW) came up with. i could have chosen lizard brains or cat brains, but for some reason, and i do believe it had to do with cow's EYES and how they're so watery, i chose cow's BRAINS because i knew in my heart of hearts that were i to have to choke down cow brains, they would be the EXACT same texture and consistency of cottage cheese.

i love cottage cheese. this was a serious hardship for a great many years. it wasnt until i lived with angie, i believe, that i was able to eat cottage cheese again. and how did i come back from the a life barren of said fromage, you ask? well get THIS:

angie, who was my roomie at the time and who has since died. . . not because she was my roomie but because she chose to pointedly IGNORE my very real dictate that no one i know and love die for FIFTY years starting in 2001, she was, to put it nicely- CRAZY. one day, i bring home hamburger from Wal-Mart. (i was the one who cooked because, well, she couldnt stand up that long what with her being handicapped and because even more importantly, she couldnt boil water) i bring home hamburger and i proceed to make tater tot casserole, which is a seedy and trashy dish at best (mostly, i hate tater tots, though if i were to have a band with my toes as the singers, i would call it the tater tots). she takes one look at my casserole and lets out a short scream and buries her head in the pillow on the couch. bowl went a-flyin' and dog came to the rescue. i asked continuously what was wrong thinking that if she saw a bug in that dish, i was chucking the whole thing out the window (i cant stand bugs). all i hear in a panicked, disjointed rambling from the pillow was "hamburger arms! hamburger arms!" and i realize, just you may have realized if you've bought hamburger from Wal-Mart, that the way they package it is in one looooooong string of hamburger molded into a "patty". if you dont kneeeead the hamburger before you cook it (which i hadnt), you get what angie, until the day she died, called "hamburger arms", little strings of hamburger. she never ate it again. no more hamburger for ang.

and i thought it was the most ridiculous argument for not eating something you like that i'd ever heard until angie brought up my serious cottage fromage problema. . . (english, french and spanish in that one).

so tonight, in homage to angie and my lost childhood, i'll be dining on hamburger, wild mushrooms, with a side of cottage cheese and the entire time, i'll be shrinking a little inside as i think about just HOW much of the cow i'm actually eating. . .

spidergirl

2006-05-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

have you eaten yet today? i'm really hungry. . . well, not so much STARVING, but man! i just want a humungous, gluttony-inspired FEAST put before me. i want hours upon hours of food and drink to be put in front of me. . . and then i want hours and hours of entertaining books to read as i eat.
i dont like eating with people. welllll, i mean, i love a good meal in the company of good people. nothing like it as far as entertainment goes. laughter, food, community. i have visions of idyllic scenes on an italian hillside/french riverside, lanterns, wine, food, family, friends. . . like the MOVIES, which promised me i could one day have that. . . and maybe i still will.
anyway. what i really enjoy, though, is the freedom of eating alone.
i spent much of my growing up life explaining and justifying to my mother (who you all know and who is truly wonderful, but also not without her own insecurities) just why i had to eat 2 helpings of something i just enjoyed. i have often wondered if my sister and i would have turned out overweight if we had been given some sense that food was meant to be enjoyed, if we had not, very early on, learned that along with food came a sense of deprivation, not matter how much you ate, you'd still have to justify it.
see i love a good book and a good meal. i love being able to stop eating when i want and being able to eat more if i feel like it. i love it that a meal can take several hours to eat when there's nowhere to be and no one to answer to.
so i'm hungry and i want a good book.

also. i'm quickly becoming a gray-headed woman. what's up with that? i dont mind so much as i dont really spend an inordinate amount of time either looking i in a mirror or thinking about what i look like (as is evidenced by my clothing selection most days). but really, i feel like i'm still 16. and now the gray is here.

rambling. i dont have any funny stories, nor do i have any insights. i'm gray and hungry today and that's it.

OHOHOHOHHHHHH! and for some reason today, i feel like there are spiders on me. i'm not an addict of any kind, so i am wondering why i feel like this. of course, i did take a tour of my mother's as-yet-unfinished attic today and i think it's eerie just what our minds will do to us. i decided there were spiders up there and now, i am positive they are laying eggs in various and sundry parts.

WERD. spidergirl OUT.

bears, monkeys, and earthquakes, oh MY

2006-05-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

here's a disconcerting story i read yesterday as i was typing. see, what i like to do in the first hour of working is read all the various and sundry news stories yahoooooo!! so graciously sifts through and hands to me on "my yahoo" page. . . and it is a bit frustrating when you realize that someone at yahoooooo! (please do the crazy cowboy call when you read this) is effectively making sure i know only what they want me to know.

but i digress. i like to check everything out, type a job or 2, read some more, and thusly my day flies by.

i know, i know, i promised you a story, but first: there's a website out there that you can go to and it will show you where and why the latest earthquakes around the world have happened. and i check that every day as well. you would be AMAZED and surprised by the amount of activity we are sitting on here. i've been watching and the pattern i see is something like at least once an hour, somewhere in the world (mostly in the ocean), there's an earthquake. i am watching to see if this activity steps up what with the volcanos erupting (2 that i've read about this week). . . and once again, i wonder about whether or not we're creating havoc with our environment, just causing catastrophic natural events. . . not to worry, anne, the watchdog and conspiracy freak is ON IT . . . and arent i a strange one? my conspiracies all have to do with some rather amorphous plot we are concocting and hatching ON OUR OWN MINDS. i suppose it's the latest and greatest trend in psychiatric disorders- the conspiracy theorists who think WE are conspiring on US. HA!!

anyway. my story. so somewhere in dutch-land (which i call because i can never remember which country constitutes the appellation "Dutch") what? wha'? holland? netherlands? bah. mateo will kill me or at least point his finger accusingly at me. . .
somewhere in dutch-land, in some zoo, a sloth bear ATE a barbary macaque monkey in front of an "astonished and horrified" crowd of zoo-goers.

is this not the most bizarre thing you've heard in a while. . . well, barring why bush is prez and why my brain accepts that am idol is okay to watch and STILL rants about TV?

what strikes me as compelling and somewhat horrifying about this story is that this zoo isnt just ANY zoo, nooooo, it's a safari zoo, where animals live "peacefully" together. so people go there KNOWING they are gonna see animals tossed about willy-nilly. safari zoos make us feel better, dontcha know? we can see the animals in their "natural habitats". . . right through that fence. the fact that there arent AS MANY fences doesnt make it okay, people.

anyway. so these zoo-enthusiasts watch in astonishment and horror as a BEAR does what it does best and eats another animal. and i have to wonder "WHY?!" alright, so it's not fun to watch an animal die. i get that. and it certainly wouldnt be fun to have to explain to your children why that perfectly nice afternoon was ruined by the high-pitched screeches of a dying and murdered monkey. but what did they expect?! the zoo officials have taken these monkeys out of range of the sloth bears, but i am still perplexed by this story.

if you put a bunch of animals in their "natural environment", it's a sure bet, they're gonna get up to some hijinx, like sayyyyy. . . eating each other.

it's just a no-brainer. and yahoooooo! gave me this special moment yesterday wherein i looked blankly at the computer, cocked my head and sneezed in an apparent attempt to get that pesky story out of my head.

whowhatwherewhyhow?

2006-05-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

it has occurred to me lately, as i sit at my computer daily, typing, typing, typing up other peoples' illnesses that we are really really screwed, if not downright doomed. yep. it's that mood today, you guys.

the fact of the matter is this- we are besieged on all sides by lies and deliberate maneuvers to make sure we are herded like sheep into a valley that has no way out and in which we are force-fed poison that cinches our drug-induced cooperation with vile and unspeakable tortures upon our persons.

in other words, tom cruise is taking over the world along with mcdonald's and we have no way to stop it.

why do we care so much about tom cruise and his woes? why are we entranced with brad and angelina? (who, i hope, have the ugliest baby known to man). what is the purpose of going to work daily to make goods and provide services none of us truly need to survive? how are we being pickled by additives, preservatives, and tastes that are not tastes, but merely chemical creations made by little men in lab coats? yes. it's true. unless you pick something right from the ground or kill a WILD animal and cook it, you havent tasted anything more substantial in your life than chemical facsimiles therein.

i am becoming increasingly worried as i type up small children who are being effectively anesthetized by adderall, ritalin, wellbutrin, zoloft, prozac, xanax, strattera, ad nauseum. parents bring their "unruly" and "unhappy" children into the hospital and get drugs instead of the deserved karate chop to the neck and a stern admonition to stop letting their kids watch TV and play video games and take part in their lives. why parents expect children to be anything other rambunctious, precocious and a little strange is beyond me. the point of childhood is to LEARN that some things arent correct behavior, as in, pushing another kid down at the playground isnt the definition of ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder or even personality disorder. it's a normal kid activity wherein they learn, if parented correctly and watched by teachers, that it's not okay to do that. but then, why shouldnt they when all they watch is a staggering pagaent of violence, crime, sex, and the shallow behaviors of our "idols"? why shouldnt children be involved in a serious spree of misbehavior when we idolize stars who do nothing but publicize that which should be private and then turn around and pay our teachers next to nothing? the SAME teachers who are watching our children day in and day out. do you think it's any wonder children are being taken to hospitals and doctors everywhere?

look at ourselves. we arent even here anymore than for any other reason but to BUY shit. and the shit we buy, those companies arent interested in making anything that's GOOD for us. oh sure, mcdonald's comes out with a salad every once in a while, but if you think they are putting the same chemicals in their salads that they're putting in their burgers, the ones that make you HUNGRY AS YOU EAT, then you are sooooorely mistaken. they dont WANT us healthy. big business doesnt WANT us to have a more fuel-efficient energy source for our cars. they dont WANT us to be anything other than the mindless drones we are all becoming.

you could say that we are all given a choice, but how much of a choice is it REALLY, when the alternative costs so much you cant pay your rent? take a look sometime at the local handimart and how much a mealy apple costs at the register as opposed to a candy bar? how much would an 85% ethanol blend of fuel for cars cost as compared to the whopping $2.77 i paid for my gas just yesterday? i'm thinking seriously of getting a bike and taking the bus.

and what i'm worried about most is this (and you may think i'm completely bonkers, i dont know)- what if all of our consciousness is like one great big pool? what if the energy we put out affects our surroundings? what IF we are on a downward spiral based entirely upon the idea that we are affecting change in a direct outward manner? what if we are all so anesthetized that our collective unconscious has become a collective un-conscience? i am beginning to see these as a distinct possibility and quite frankly, it makes me nervous. i dont think there's anything that could do more damage, barring a large space-something crashing into the ocean floor (see also "armegeddon" movies) that could do more potential damage to our environments and our spirits than our own minds, locked into a perpetual cycle of negativity.

i am trying hard to find any sort of meaning in this life we're given and today, i am hard pressed to find it. today, i yearn for something else. . . mostly every day anymore, i yearn for something else. some place where life is simple and eating in a healthy manner is the convenience, or living at peace with the environemnt is the convenience.

i certainly dont have answers, and god knows, i love my own conveniences, but i dont understand, indeed, am baffled as to why more people arent staging revolutions, even in their own thinking.

beatin' up liza

2006-04-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

i'm not a violent person in almost any way. i have a suspicious and somewhat scary need to tear people apart emotionally, but thus far, have been unable to do so. . . i have a feeling that i would be very good at torture techniques involving emotional stability. of course, this may not be true as it only applies to those people i have known and loved who, for various sundry reasons, show themselves to be weak. . . and by that i mean, lacking in basic emotional integrity and "self-ness" (see also: anyone under the age of 25). but i dont want to physically hurt anyone. and the emotional pain i would like to cause is only on odd days and sometimes, not even then.
(i have a sneaking suspicion i am lazy, to tell you the truth).
i have always figured there were better things to do with my time then spend it being pissy, angry, or feeling like a victim.

that said, i really want to beat up liza minelli. i dont know why. i just want to go a round with her in a ring somewhere. just karate chop her neck and walk away, victorious.

i leave you with that image.

delusions of football

2006-03-28T15:19:00.000-08:00

i was out driving today, a mission of mercy that my mom had me on. . . mostly a merciful monetary intervention from my mom. . . okay. so i was going to get 20 bucks from my mom because i am broke. anyway.
i was out driving, smoking, enjoying the fact that the sun did NOT decide to shine today. (am i the only person out there who gets more done on gray days?) and something weird happened. . . again. drivinnnnnn'. . . . hummmmmmin'. . . . and got stopped on wilson avenue so that two, yes count 'em, TWO trains could cross at the same time, which seems a bit excessive. i watched the bottoms of the cars and the wheels in a rather morbid fascination, trying to imagine people getting crushed under there. and then i wondered if someone HAD been crushed, would the blood stains still show? and then i stopped looking after having decided i would throw up or faint if i saw blood stains. . .

but that isnt the weird thing that happened. now most of you probably go through your days and just accept that what you are seeing is what IT IS. that there isnt any strange shift in reality or that there is not, in fact, some sort of rip in reality that you sometimes fall into. welcome to my world. this is a recurrent theme for me.
after looking away from possible bloody messes and death graffiti on the bottoms of railroad cars, i happened to look over into this yard where someone was running from the street, throught the rather large front yard, and on behind the house. the movement must have caught my eye. . . . okay. and it was a young man running with a football, so i thought- hey, he might be cute. cool! i can watch this cute guy play football with his pals while i wait for the trainS.

weirdness. he's running with the football and in the middle of the run, does some sort of hop-skip, turns around, kicks up his heels, rolls down ON THE GROUND, gets up and keeps running.

huh. now he's got my attention, FULL ON. i am talking, you couldnt have pulled me away from that scene if a train was coming at me. i looked around. i wondered if anyone else had seen this. i looked at the yard. was there something there that i was missing? some sort of obstacle course i couldnt see? i looked around at the cars in front and behind me. no one else was paying attention. i looked for a boom box, thinking maybe he was DANCING. and then i looked for other people. i had just decided that there were, in fact, other people playing with him that i just couldnt see when ANOTHER guy comes running out from behind the house (first guy had disappeared back there), runs down the lawn, picks up a hereforeto UNKNOWN football lying on the ground at the end of the yard by the street and starts running back to the house. . . and he jumps, and turns, kicks up his heels, starts running backwards, but AT NONE OF THE SAME PLACES.

what is this? i am sure there is a reasonable explanation for it. i am positive that most of you would say they were practicing for when they actually ARE playing with a team and trying to dodge other members.

i say there were other people out there that they were jumping over, poeple only they could see. . . or maybe everyone but me could see. i say they were laughing and singing songs from "west side story" as they ran. i say miracles and space-time continuum conundrums happen all the time, if we just stop trying to figure out the easiest solution to them.

ramblin' through gopher country

2006-03-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

let's chat a second about our friends. now, i am not saying we should GOSSIP because that would be wrong. i am all for sharing secrets, but i dont think any of my friends would appreciate all their secrets put out here on the internet for all to see.
no, i want to talk about friendSHIPs and work.
i think there are a lot of people out there who truly believe our friendships should be easy and no work at all. in a way, i agree with that- it should be easy to do the work involved to KEEP your friends. the work itself. . . not so easy.
think about this- what if your friends didnt make any effort to get a hold of you, to invite you out, to call and say "i thought maybe you'd like to talk, we havent done that for a few days." imagine that all you got from your friends was the nagging sensation that something wasnt. quite. right. but you couldnt figure it out and you dont have the kind of friendships where it's okay to ask. imagine that your "friends" are the people you go to the bars with, the people you drink with, the people you are afraid to be real with (see also: farting, burping, telling secrets, sharing why you're having a bad day). okay, so the bodily function thing is something my mother told me in no uncertain terms when i was a child, was just flat-out unladylike and i still have a hard time letting loose in front of those i hold dear. i still feel that one should always try to get to a bathroom if the need is pressing. but the other stuff- that's all important in a friendship.
i believe that the most important thing any of us is going to do in this life is love others, and that being said- how are you doing with your work here?

this is actually a 2-3 day blog entry, as i am writing in between working and cleaning my apartment, so this is the "second installment" here.

i am constantly amazed by people. no one seems to be popping their heads out of the ground long enough to look around and see that there's something better than those little tunnels and holes underground peopled by OTHER rodents and snakes and such. yes. that's right. we are all little groundhogs, popping our heads up, checking the scene outside quickly, getting shot at by those in the know, and running to ground. of course, along the way, we develop some cute little nose twitches and soft-pitched squeaks, and evidently, we're pretty good eatin' (though i am not sure on this. see also: Trailer trash).

the thing IS. i want to be one of those people from above who are "in the know" and holding all the pellet guns. . . okay. i dont want to shoot any of you groundhogs. i just dont want to live underground, thinking THIS is okay. i want to be UP and away and free from that crap. i want the wherewithal to look around, see that we arent doing it right, and DO something- even if its something small, like realizing we can LOVE each other better. *and is that such a small thing, really?*

i dont usually look at the bigger picture insofar as world news is concerned because i find that worrying about people across the world makes me forget to worry about the people next door. and the people next door, i can affect some change with, you know? look around. have you ever wondered why it is that everyone is OKAY with this?

i'm not making a lot of sense. started with friendships and the work involved and moved onto the world doomsday at large.

oh well. love yourselves. do the work it takes to love others. ask questions. expect BETTER.

i am at a loss

2006-03-07T15:37:00.000-08:00

really, you'd think blogs and computers and all this junk would make sense after all these years, but it doesnt. not really at all. the only reason i like computers is, for the most part, they are pretty predictable. it's the only way i am able to work on one for so many hours of the day- it might be the only thing of stability in my life, besides mom.

anyway- had to delete an entry because i couldnt figure out the why of how it was popping up on screen. so just started over. it's what i do. how i ROOOOLLL- something isnt perfect, i'll just trash it and start over COMPLETELY. i am sure this is some sort of psychiatric, perfectionist, defeated perfectionist-type thing, but i just say "it's all me. all the time."

i am thinking, today, about the last entry i wrote and why i wrote it and what people have had to say about it. and it's definitely difficult to write out an opinion as opposed to having a conversation about it. i forgot all kinds of stuff in there and then you get into the OTHER side of the opinion and you kind of agree with that, too- like, sometimes it's nice to have the escape (see also: Anne's unending love of american idol). i just cant seem to keep my mind interested in typing for long periods of time. . . *eyebrow raised* yup. creates havoc with my work life- that little problem. they keep expecting me to, you know, TYPE for 8 hours a day and i am sitting here, going miles per minute, 5000 words per second, and then? well, see. sometimes, the phone rings. sometimes the cat meows. sometimes i remember there was something i wanted to look up on line. sometimes my need for nicotine becomes all consuming. and sometimes, i just go and sit down ANYWHERE else and find something to do THERE instead of at my desk. just imagine-

here's anne, sitting at her cool new desk, cool computer, brightly covered scarf around her neck (it gets cold at mom's), cat sitting on the computer, totally into her work. a noise sounds somewhere else in the house, breaking anne's eye contact with the computer screen. she lifts her head. huh? what was that? did i remember to lock the back door? look out the window and see (you can see the back door from the back window). yep. locked. wow- it's really raining out there. i wonder if anyone i know is going to drive into the back alley, just to stalk me. *watch out back window for a few minutes* heavy sigh. guess not. speaking of people i know, maybe i should cyberstalk jay right now and check his website. and then check to see if he's on msn messenger. he is. why doesnt he speak to me? he's too busy. i should leave him alone. no. i need to smoke. will IM him and let him know i'm gonna smoke, then he can call me. huh. mom's living room needs to be vacuumed. where's my coat? oh who cares, i wont be out that long anyway. why is the cat following me? did i give it water? i'll just go and check. i'm thirsty. i'm gonna get that pop out of the fridge. wow- those dishes need to be done. i wonder what i should eat for lunch. oh RIGHT- the phone. jay's calling. i still need to smoke. . . .

its neverending, no joke. i suppose i should take some sort of medication for this kind of ADD. whatever. am bored with typing again. you'll just have to wait until i come back with something new.

paranoia will destroy ya.

2006-03-06T12:27:00.000-08:00

so it's coming to me, in bits and pieces, how we are all totally screwed if we continue on the path we're on. . . oh yes. i am depressive anne today.
and really- is that such a bad thing?
i figure i will put this out there for posterity and when the rapture comes, i will hook up the ol' computer, log on and show jesus that i meant what i said and please, make sure i end up in the section of heaven with all the food.

so television has me worried. this is not a new thing, by any means, with me. i just forgot about it because i havent been watching television up until lately.
i have a huge tv. i have the kind of tv that is just short of being a vulgar display of wealth (yeah, right). it's gi-normous, too too big for one person in a small hole of an apartment. until about 2 weeks ago, i used said vulgar display for one purpose only- playing games on the PS2 with chad and/or regina. the role-playing PS2 games aside (a whole other blog entry), the tv just sat there, a large LARGE dark force in my hole-in-the-wall living room. then i procured an antenae from my mother's friend for my olympic viewing pleasure.
let's take a mo' to give the olympics their much deserved props. (yes, i said props- as in ACCOLADES). i love the olympics. LOVE THEM. they are one of my absolute favorite things to watch. i often wonder if i would love them as much if they were on all the time, and i say YES. it's not just about sports, it's about the SPIRIT. . . oh never mind. i cant type this all up without sounding like the hugest nerd ever. suffice it to say, i am a fan.
so back to the enormity of my problem with the tv now being on. before i got the antenae, i was happy going home, sitting on my couch with a good book and reading for the majority of the evening. i would go to other peoples' homes and be amazed at the amount of NOISE in their houses, condos, apartments, etc. i just lived a quiet life. a really REALLY quiet life. and it suited me fine. i slept well. i didnt freak out about noises in the night. i wasnt too worried about art and my place in it. i couldnt have cared less about what was happening 2 towns over, let alone half the world away. and then i hooked in and started watching.
the olympics are over and i still turn the tv on as soon as i get home- just for the company. only now, it's all police dramas, hospital dramas, crime scenes, and news. and i cant sleep. and i have started to pile things in front of my door at night just IN CASE that random killer tries my door at 3 am. and i am finding conspiracies in little things like antarctica is melting and india is growing at an alarming rate, oprah's mind control is reaching over to africa, pakistan is falling apart, literally, one earthquake refugee camp at a time, and the best- marketing and fine art are now bedmates.
i think this has happened to everyone who is an avid tv watcher. i just dont think anyone notices. can you remember the last time you went a week without the tv on for the majority of it? how about a day when you didnt feel the need to turn on the tube or even hook up to the internet? when did you last SIT and watch out the window, wonder where everyone was going in such a hurry, take a walk through your neighborhood and say "hi" to everyone you met without having a personal agenda? when did you last write something, photograph something, paint something for the sheer joy of creating and not think about how maybe, this will be your ticket OUT? when did you last lay down in bed and go to sleep in minutes with no worries about what that noise was or how you're going to pay that bill or why would someone in the next town over choose to molest some little girl?
we are inundated by information and i am starting to wonder if we really need any of it. if you really think about it, we have absolutely NO purpose on this earth. in a biological, natural sense, there is no point to us being here. we help nothing. we harm almost everything we come in to contact with, naturally speaking. so what are we doing? we sit and watch tv, get up, drive to work, come home, watch more tv. opium for the masses.
turn it off. stop sniffing what's put in front of you. find a purpose that has nothing to do with money or career or whether you'll look good. find a pastime that is soley a spiritual activity and then get back to me.
myself?- i am going to enjoy the large empty spot in my living room that was once taken up by a vulgar display of spiritual bankruptcy.